Minty Meerkats

Aaaah...who doesn't love a good meerkat story? According to the BBCNews, when zookeeepers wanted to introduce 3 new meerkats to a pair already established in an exhibit, they rubbed all the critters with Vicks Vaporub. Ordinarily new members would be attacked, but the scent masking allowed the meerkats to accept each other peacefully.

So I was thinking-- if this works for meerkats, why not for our congress critters? If we just rubbed everybody in Washington with Vicks Vaporub, perhaps the Republicans and the Democrats would accept each other and work together peacefully. It's just a thought. Nothing else seems to be working.

Official State Hellbender

The naming of Official State Thingys is not for wimps; only the most steely-jawed, resolute politicos can stand up to the protests and outrage that come when naming-- taking a purely made-up example-- Flamingo Pink as The Official State Color of Arkansas. "But what about Burnt Sienna?" plead the Italian lovers. "Too girly!" yell the NASCAR Dads. "People will confuse us with Florida," is the outraged cry of Citizens Who Love Arkansas. And so on.

Therefore it should come as no surprise that the NC House of Representatives, caving into the momentary whims of tiny schoolchildren by naming the American bullfrog as The Official State Amphibian, was rebuked by the state Herpetological Society. "Too common!" the herps cried, and in fact, Missouri, Iowa, and Oklahoma have already claimed the American Bullfrog as their own. "Too fat and warty." Ok, maybe they didn't say that exactly but they implied it when a spokesperson told the Raleigh N & O: "It is a big frog, grows rapidly, is highly vocal, doesn't live long and eats anything they can stuff in their mouth." Gosh, yes, we don't want a big, loud, fat amphibian as common as dirt to represent the proud state of North Carolina. No, no what we want is an elegant amphibian; a thin amphibian who wears Prada and dates Brad Pitt. Barring that, what we want is an amphibian with a funny name.

Enter the Eastern Hellbender Salamander. The biggest, baddest salamander in North America. A salamander that can kick the asses of all other salamanders, which should appeal to those NASCAR dads.

Or what if we did something really wacky and named as the Official State Amphibian a creature that is only found in our state? I know it sounds crazy especially when you consider our Official State Beverage is milk and our Official State Tree is the Pine, but let's face it-- no other state is going to name the Neuse River Waterdog as their official state amphibian because it is only found here. Waterdog or Bullfrog? The state Senate will be voting on the bill soon. All the world awaits with baited breath.

Oh and if you didn't already know, the Official State Color of North Carolina is: Red and Blue, I guess white goes without saying.

Grand Old Southern Names

After living my entire life in Southern California, I moved to North Carolina: Culture Shock, Ahoy! I sometimes feel as though I am an anthropologist living among and observing a foreign peoples. The phrases "I reckon so" and "you might could do" are still used here. Pig Pickins and Crawdad Festivals are cause for celebration. Easter Monday is a state holiday and there are more varieties of Baptist churches than you could ever imagine. But by far the most interesting aspect of the pure Southern culture is the names; it is so interesting to me, in fact, a year ago I started recording some of my favorite names from the state-wide obituaries published in the Raleigh News & Observer. I doubt you will find many Cleasters or Othas living in other parts of the United States.

Unusual women's names outnumber the men's names by about 4 to 1. Apparently people who name their sons John or Charles like to get creative or whimsical when naming their daughters. First there is a preponderance of "I" names: Iola, Iva, Iona, Ivella, Imojean, Ima Sue, Idella, Irma, and Ilean. Ilean is also an example of variable spelling which includes: Malissa, Myldred, Berdie, Airlean, Aileen, Annita, Maybel, Mabyl, Juelle, Berlinda, Euna, Blance, Lydeah, and Perley. Then there are names which I doubt you would find anywhere but the South: Narcissus, Dimple, Nymphes, Alida, Pernaria, Sudie, Doyette, Verla, Derlie, Beazer, Reca, Dare, Nevella, Louretha, Blonnie, Nula, Niecy, Fernie, Bernell, Margie Bell, Rando, Vysta, Nelma,and Bayetta. Dare of course is popular because of Virginia Dare-- the first colonist born in America.

By far the largest catagory of unusual Southern names given to women is the "een" or "ine" catagory: Berteen, Noreen, Earline, Clarine, Dozene, Ethelene, Atheleen, Erdene, Pearline, Enseldine, Erseldine, Jourleen, Lendine, Undine, Lovine, and Garleen. Say them out loud and it is almost like poetry.

The males are occasionally given unusual names: Livius, Ransome, Lavotis, Wellington, Loy, Flay, Hixton, Craven, Doliver, Napoleon, Swain, Tyrus, Bonnie James, Ludie Earl, Lemon, Velmon, Sherimiah, Sherrard, Pratt, Kermon, Elred, Almond, Zolla, and Badger. While in this case Badger was a Christian name rather than a nickname, male nicknames are a whole 'nother kettle of fish-- with "Fish" being an example.

Animal nicknames include: Bear, Grizzly, Worm, Slug, Buck, Porky, Mole, Frog, Pig, Rat, Bug, Duck, Donkey, Dog, Redbird, Possum, and Skeeter. Do you suppose "Mole" was blind and "Slug" was slow? But what are we to make of "Worm"?

Manly nicknames include: Killer, Mad Dog, Low Rider, Boots, Bro, Woody, and Mack. I hope "Mad Dog" was used ironically.

Not-so Manly nicknames include: Squirt, Elmo, Sonny Boy, Buddy Boy, Shorty, and Pinky. Do you think "Squirt" chose his own nickname?

Then there is the good, old-fashioned nicknames: Jiggs, Flick, Preacher, Foggie, Tink, and Shack. I really like the nickname "Jiggs"-- how many times do you suppose he heard, "The Jiggs is up"?

Female nicknames are much more rare. In the last year the only ones I have recorded are: Sunshine, Baby Sis, Munner, Datie, Sweet Pea, Beady, and Sister Bass. "Baby Sis" was in her 90's when she died-- forever the baby.

The last catagory is the head-scratchers. Only the friends and family know what they refer to: Dibbie,Tree, Tupie, Bunch, Frosty Man, Niney, Red Eye, Boolie, Bronie, Fossile, Ringman, Wahoo, and Shoob. I like to imagine that "Frosty Man" drank his beer very, very cold.

Finally, some names must be presented in the entirity to appreciate their glory. Therefore, Rest in Peace:

Derlie Blevins
Levester Wigman
Cleaster Cherry
Lenwood Suggs
Nettie Jane Slumpf
Luna Hathcock
Pansy Crumpler
Ollie Lee Lovely
Turner Pickle
Delmas Corns
Meta Tew
Elbert Truelove
Ferebee Hogpath
Euzelia Clodfelter
Ersel Outlaw
Velmon Snipes
Lemuel Snaw
Keffrey Jeffrey

Watermelon, Broccoli, What's The Difference?

Official State Thingys are a minor-- very minor--passion of mine. I figure if the state legislators can go to all the trouble of naming an Official State Blue Fruit for North Carolina (the blueberry), the least I can do is try to pretend I care. So with that in mind, I take note that here in North Carolina the house just passed a bill to declare the American bullfrog as The Official State Amphibian and another to declare The Lexington Food Festival as The Official State Food Festival. I'm not sure what kind of food is being celebrated, but I can guess it isn't celery. Probably not frog legs, either.

And speaking of vegetables, in Oklahoma there was a move to recognize The Watermelon as the Offical State Fruit, but unfortunately that title had already been claimed by the more glamorous Strawberry. It's true, Strawberries do have more fun. Oklahoma legislator, Joe Dorman, was only slightly fazed; he went on to declare The Watermelon as The Official State Vegetable. The reasoning is that, "watermelon comes from the cucumber and gourd families, which are classified as vegetables." Okey-dokey then. This reminds me of when the Reagan Administration declared Ketchup as a vegetable for the school lunch program. I guess politicians don't care for vegetables very much.

It's a Mystery Why Anyone Would Want To Do This

I was driving in downtown Raleigh this afternoon and ended up behind "Nancy & Udean's Christian Tourbus." I was curious to find out what kind of Christian Tour might be taking place in downtown Raleigh, so I checked their web site when I got home. They offer hundreds of bus tours mostly to places like Branson, Mo. to attend dinner theaters and to the Amish Country to eat. Many of their tours end with a description such as "Day 4: Today we reflect on the many beautiful and amazing sights we have seen and all the wonderful tastes we’ve sampled as we make our way home." Aaah eating and reflecting-- that sounds like the perfect Christian outing.

One of their tours really stood out however: The Honeymoon Mystery Tour. A five day tour, $655 per person the only description is

ITINERARY - ?????? It's a Mystery!!
MEALS
Breakfasts ???
Lunches ???
Dinners ???

I can think of many things I would enjoy doing on my honeymoon but frankly, a Christian Mystery Bus Tour is not on my favorites list. In fact, I would have to be bound, gagged, drugged and with a loaded pistol to my head before I would consider it. The idea of touring in a bus with a bunch of strangers to God Only Knows where does not sound like a very romantic way to spend the beginning of your married life. But, there must be people who do think this is ideal ortherwise I am sure it would not be offered.

Disappointment in the Garden

Here’s a fun game, walk into the loveliest garden in your neighborhood and ask the gardener about their failures. Chances are, you will hear such a tale of woe and madness that you will be forced to grope blindly for the nearest box of Kleenex. Lovely gardens are built on heartbreak; they are built on experiments gone wrong, on mistakes, on failure. There are so many ways to fail, in fact, it is a wonder that any of us continue to try.

Besides the wrong weather at the wrong time (too hot, too cold, too dry, too wet) there is also the mislabeled plant, insect infestation, damage from other critters (both domestic and wild) and, finally, stupidity. And by “stupidity” I mean both lack of knowledge as well as willful bullheadedness. We plant things that were never meant to grow in our neck of the woods, stick them in the wrong place without properly preparing the soil, neglect them, and then become outraged when they fail to flourish.

Take poppies, for example. As a young gardener I made many attempts to grow Oriental poppies with zero success, until I finally learned that Oriental poppies do not like hot, dry climates and furthermore they need a period of freezing temperatures to grow. But for several years I ordered Oriental poppies from garden catalogs under the mistaken belief that they would not sell them to me if Oriental poppies did not grow in my area. Ha! Perhaps somewhere in Southern California a gardener has outwitted the elements and enjoys lovely Oriental poppies that return every year, but that fantastical outcome never happened for me.

So having moved to a state which does experience a brief period of sub-freezing temperatures, I at once ran the nearest nursery and bought some Oriental poppies and planted them. Year after year I planted them, and year after year they melted into the soil without even a hint of a flower. I know that somewhere in North Carolina a gardener is growing a virtual forest of Oriental poppies, but not in my backyard. So I have come to rely on other members of the poppy family. Unfortunately I don’t like the color red, especially not the orange-red that is so common among poppies.

Not liking the color red is a big handicap to a gardener. One year I planted a few hundred “pink mix” tulips and mostly what came up were bright red tulips. I spent that spring weeding out the red. That was 5 years ago and as tulips tend to die out in the NC garden only a few tulips have appeared this spring. Every single one of them is flagrantly scarlet.

I am also still trying to rectify the red gladioli problem of 3 years ago. I sent away for 50 gladioli of the softest, palest baby pink. Unfortunately what came up in the garden were gladiolas of the fiercest, brightest orange-red. They had been mislabeled. The shipper was notified but of course that season was shot and I had to wait until the following spring to get my pink glads. In the mean time I did not get all the red out—I had planted them in and under roses and some of them escaped my trowel. Gladioli proliferate mightily in the NC garden with the result that I have red gladiolas every spring popping up like weeds.

But back to poppies.

Last year I decided I wanted poppies in profusion. Not red poppies, of course, but soft pink, apricot, peach, cream and white poppies, double poppies, preferably. So I sewed seed like a mad woman, ounces and ounces of seed. I bought it in bulk and I bought it in small packets. I bought it in hardware stores, garden shops and on-line. I even bought seed on eBay. And all the seed was labeled as pink or white poppies.

I got lots of poppies. Mostly red. I tore out the red, and reveled in the lovely double pink poppies with their translucent, delicate petals like silken fairy ball gowns. And when the season was over, I saved the seeds and scattered them about. Hundreds of feet of flower bed scattered with thousands of seeds have resulted in three plants this spring. The flowers have yet to open, but what are the chances that they will be red?

Fun Things to do with Trash

Artificial Bright idea of a tire reef off the Fort Lauderdale coast is now simply a blight. A 1972 Goodyear news release proclaimed that a reef built out of a million tires dumped offshore would "provide a haven for fish and other aquatic species,' and noted the "excellent properties of scrap tires as reef material.' It turns out that, "They're a constantly killing coral destruction machine."

April 1, 2007
St Petersburg, Fla---Residents here in St. Pete were groaning under the ever growing burden of NASCAR Collectable Popcorn Tins. "You just can't throw them away! They're too valuable," Becky Barefoot, owner of Hands of Glory nail shop and beauty salon, was overheard to remark. Many collectors, frustrated by the amount of storage space the tins required, turned to eBay for a quick fix and were alarmed to discover that no one in the nation wished to purchase used popcorn tins. Some people even attempted to return the tins to WalMart claiming that they were duped by the word "collectable" into purchasing more popcorn tins than they required.

The situation seemed hopeless until 11-year-old Barry Farker of Sandy Pirate Cove Elementary School proposed a novel solution. "We could tie them together and make shelters for the homeless. Popcorn tins would be better than cardboard boxes any day of the week. And the bums could eat the popcorn crumbs when they get hungry."

Wildly enthusiastic about this 5th grader's idea on how to solve two problems at once, the city fathers have begun a NASCAR Collectable Popcorn Tin drive and the construction of the new habitats will begin shortly. Readers wishing to donate to this worthy cause may contact city hall.