Morals, Morals, Who's Got The Morals?

After I found out that I voted on the wrong side of the "morals" issue, I decided I better find some morals fast. I looked under the sofa cushions, in the laundry basket, and under the bed, but all I found were the same old morals I've always had. So I dusted them off and took a closer look to see if they were worth saving.

Love your neighbor as yourself, even if their skin color, cultural background, or sexual preference is different from your own. Even if they painted their house an unfortunate shade of fuchsia and drive a yellow Humvee with a big "W" sticker on the back. However it is ok to withhold the love in the case of incessantly barking poodles.

Lend a hand to those less fortunate to yourself. Donating blood, making sandwiches for the homeless, and Head Start programs for inner city children are good examples of this. A bad example of this is trying to convert those who weren't fortunate enough to be born Christian.
Confidential to Fanny: I said sandwiches for the homeless. Don't pretend to be homeless. Don't pretend to be starving, either. You had your bowl of dog food for today.

Worrying about the lumber in your own eye before you worry about the sawdust in someone else's eye. Which means, you cannot complain about homosexual unions destroying the sanctity of marriage if you have ever committed adultery, bigamy, polygamy, gotten divorced, or chuckled over Britney Spears' 2 minute marriage. It also means you cannot worry about somebody else's drug use if you are addicted to caffeine, alcohol, nicotine, Coco Puffs, Paxil, Valium, or any other mood-altering drug.
Confidential to Newt Gingrich: Divorcing your wife while she is dying of cancer in order to marry your younger mistress means you don't get to try impeach The President because he lied about having sex in the oval office.

Everyone gets control over their own body as long as it doesn't hurt anybody else. This means you can get drunk as long as you are inside your own home and are not physically in charge of any minors. Also holds true for using drugs. You can run around nude, clucking like a chicken for all I care. This also means you can tattoo, pierce, and dye your hair zany colors-- just don't expect to be hired for every job you apply to.
Confidential to the Attorney General of The United States: Please leave the people of Oregon alone. They decided after careful thought to pass a law allowing those who have six months or less to live to commit suicide. This is a humane law, and should be considered by other states as well.

Live your life with simple, common, human decency. Open doors for people with their arms full, be they man or woman. Stop your car to allow pedestrians to cross the road if they have the right of way. Pull over to let ambulances and fire trucks go by. No talking or cell phones in the movie theater. Send a card to your mom on Mother's Day. Don't cheat when you are playing board games with your kids. Get your own box and stop asking if you can share your wife's very tasty Tabasco flavored Cheese-Its because you ate all your Chicken in a Biscuit Crackers yesterday.
Confidential to people who didn't vote for Bush: OK, take a deep breath and let your anger go. He is the President, and should be treated with as much respect as you can muster. No spitting, no throwing eggs, no assassination attempts. You can, however, boo as much as you want.

After shining them up and thinking it over, I think these morals will do just fine for another thirty or forty years.