Shoppers! Start Your Engines!

The day after the traditional day of gorging ourselves on food is the traditional day of shopping til we be dropping. This is the time when all good little Americans should be out spreading the love and showing their patriotism by buying stuff until their credit card overflowth. Have you bought your useless crap today?

Things we all need: Unadulterated, basic food preferably of local origin. Apples. Nuts. Homemade cookies. Real cheese.

Things we don't need but will be buying our friends: Processed cheese-flavored snacks in New and Improved Zingy Cajun Bar-b-cue flavor. Cloying, chocolate-laden bars of spurious Swiss origin with non-perishable creem filling. Artificial butter-flavored fruitcake in fancy presentation box with eight different candied fruits and seventeen different chemicals and no offensive alcohol. Ten gallon Bucket 'o Popcorn in nine novelty flavors including root beer.

Things we all need: Cotton sheets, cotton towels, linen dishclothes.

Things we don't need but will be buying our family: Whistling, stuffed and mounted deer head. Set of twelve Garfield the Cat tree ornaments. Limited edition Lil' Snookums Porcelain Doll with gemstone eyes that really sparkle. Dragon-handled Sword of The Chosen One in red velvet-lined mahogany box. Chia pet that looks like a man with a hairy chest.

Things we need: Cashmere sweater. Wool Socks. Leather gloves.

Things we don't need but will be receiving from our family: Novelty Ice cube trays that make ice in the shape of insects. "I burn it, you eat it" cooking apron. The Extremely Heavy Coffee Table Book of The History of Grocery Store Coupons. Wall calendar featuring Great Moments in Science.

Things we need: Cedar wood hangers. Beeswax candles. Good quality writing paper.

Things we don't need but will be buying for ourselves: Radko Christmas tree ornament in the shape of Frankenstein's head. Happy Chanukwanzamas! door mat. Reindeer-pooping-out-candy dispenser.

Happy shopping!