Up, Up, and Away!

Every Month our Family gets together for safety drills so we know what to do in case of emergencies. In the past we have put a baby in one room and a Gutenberg bible in another and set the house on fire. Another time we all practiced what to do if a man with a hook tried to get in our car while we were necking. Last month we all pretended to be babysitters who heard on the news that an inmate escaped from the Hospital for the Criminally Insane just before the phone rang and a man said, "Have you checked on the children?"

This month we decided to practice boarding an airplane, just in case we ever wanted to fly from Raleigh to Los Angeles where my mother lives. We checked our carry on luggage for any firearms, machetes, nail files, or knitting needles we might have forgotten to unpack. Fanny and I remembered not to wear underwire bras. And we made sure not to hum any Cat Stevens songs. Unfortunately, we all flunked.

Mick could not explain the mystery bulge around his stomach-- what we refer to around here as his "Tuffets of Hair."
Fanny was not allowed to board with her sharp fangs.
Dave had a completely unpredictable reaction when his "package" got groped.
As for Me, let us just say that when told to drop my trousers, I had forgotten to put on my "good" underwear.

But all this practice may have been for naught because according to this woman, body cavity searches are now on the menu.

Wow! Just, Wow!

Like all good post- 9/11 American citizens we have been trained to put up with a lot. We get to the airport 3 hours early. We say good-bye to our loved ones at the door. We stand in line for hours with our IDs, tickets and boarding passes always readily available for inspection. We take off our shoes. We allow our carry on luggage to be searched and our tampons to be scrutinized. But it is time for some hard questions:

Has anyone ever been killed with cuticle scissors?
Do the terrorists know they don't have to go through security if they charter a flight out of a satellite airport?
Has anyone ever been caught smuggling explosives or box cutters in their body cavities?

You know, it only takes 4 days to drive from Raleigh to Los Angeles.