Update to Santa Day

To see a copy of the full page ad placed in The Raleigh News and Observer, go here. For an article about the ongoing debate, go here.
Quoting from the article:

Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper reversed himself last week and said the words "Merry Christmas" would remain in a light display above the city and county building after receiving more than 100 calls from Christians upset that he wanted to change the message to "Happy Holidays."

* Sacramento resident Manuel Zamorano organized a boycott of Macy's and Federated Department Stores for substituting "Happy Holidays" for "Merry Christmas" in its seasonal displays.

* In Chicago, the Alliance Defense Fund contacted school officials advising them of their rights and distributing a pamphlet bearing the slogan "It's okay to say Merry Christmas."

Rainy Day Walk

This morning it was raining, so I considered not walking the dog. However, Fanny was on All Systems Go status from the moment I put on my shoes. Every movement, every change in position was a chance for her to show me how she was ready, whenever I was. As Dave pointed out, "It's just as well she can't talk." Yes, otherwise we would have had to listen to something like this:

Do you want to go Now? How about NOW? I'm ready to go now, if you are. I could be ready to go in 5 minutes, although I'm ready to go NOW, but only if you want to. Go now, I mean. Because 5 minutes is good too. If that is when you wanted to go. Because I was just thinking that a walk about now would be good. But that doesn't mean we couldn't go in 5 minutes if we needed to wait that long. (Repeat.)

So I finally put her leash on, grabbed the umbrella, and we went. I was glad that we braved the rain, because we saw some interesting things. First we met the meter reader a block from our house. Normally she is wearing shorts and a tank top, but today she had on a rain slicker, so I didn't recognize her. But Fanny did. Because she is Fanny's Favorite Meter Reader In The Whole World. We stopped, talked for a few minutes, and she managed to get Fanny all excited about the prospect of a visit very soon from The Very Best Meter Reader In The Whole World.

We met the white dog on the corner as well. We have a lot of corners and a lot of dogs so let me just specify the White Dog on the Corner who just got a funny, new haircut. Normally White Dog on the Corner doesn't care for people and pets who attempt to use the sidewalk in front of his house-- you might call it his sidewalk. Until his owner shortened his leash, in fact, White Dog on the Corner didn't allow people or pets to actually use his sidewalk. But today, in the rain he was very mellow. He just sat on the porch and watched us walk by without so much as a snarl.

The 6 mischievous kittens were out as well. Usually they are all piled into the same window box-- a big blob of black with 6 pairs of green eyes that follow your progress down the street in a very unearthly sort of way. But today, they were cavorting about as though school had just let out. For all I know there is a rule that on sunny days they have to stay in the window box.

The corner Barber shop was open but had no business; the barber was fast asleep in the chair. He looked as though he was waiting for Andy and Barney to show up. Fanny missed her daily wave from him, but she knows, come rain or come shine, she'll get a wave tomorrow.

Sticker Shock

As a young, innocent student of biology back in the 70s, I knew that there were people called "Creationists" but I thought they had been marginalized along with the Flat Earth Society members and those who believed that the moon landing was a NASA hoax. But the Creationists never really went away. Recently, in fact, they have become more vocal and more powerful politically. They have a new, $25 million museum, their own magazines and even an amusement park where kids can learn the "truth" about how old the Grand Canyon is. Recently the Cobb County, Georgia School Board created stickers to be used inside school textbooks which state:

This textbook contains material on Evolution
Evolution is a theory, not a fact, regarding the origin of living things.
This material should be approached with an open mind,
studied carefully and critically considered.

These stickers have been showing up everywhere including stuck on an 8 foot tall inflatable Barney the dinosaur at a little girl's birthday party. The stickers are also showing up on museum displays and in science books for sale at a bookstore.

So I was thinking what if this became a national trend? What if individuals were allowed to put stickers on things they don't actually own? Perhaps we would get to see some other opinions expressed.

Found on People, US, or InStyle Magazines:

This magazine reports on the vain, shallow lifestyle
of celebrities. These lifestyle choices should be read with caution
and in no way should be used as measuring sticks
by which to assess your lifestyle.

Found on the covers of all books by Ann Coulter:

This book contains the shrill, poisonous rantings of a woman
who would like to shock you in order to rake in some of the filthy lucre
as earned by Rush Limbaugh.

Found on the Simpsons DVDs

The theory that memorizing lines from this show
will make you seem funny is questionable. In reality you won't seem any funnier than you are now

Found on $200 Nike Athletic Shoes

The idea that these shoes will make you run faster,
jump higher, or perform better in any way is questionable.
The idea that you need to wear $200 shoes to walk your dog
is very questionable.

Found on a bag of birdseed:

This bag of seed is only bird seed in theory.
Chances are you just spent $5.00 to feed those cunning, evil squirrels.

Found on boxes of Tabasco flavored Cheez-Its:

This box contains only empty carbohydrates.
Although it is very tasty and scrumptious and possibly the
BEST SNACK IN THE WORLD
Maybe you should back away from the box and go eat some fruit.

And so, following my advice, I will now go eat some fruit.

Flying Squirrel of Death

OK, technically he didn't actually fly and he wasn't actually deadly, but it sure seemed that way at the time.

This goes back to the Great Squirrel Invasion of 2002 which I previously wrote about here. That fall it seemed as though we were under attack from squirrels at every waking moment; this particular incident involved a Noise in the fireplace. In our defense let me just say that we had no idea what was making all that noise, for all we knew it was a pterodactyl or two. But maybe it wasn't the best idea for us all to gather in front of the fireplace doors. "Us all" included:
Dave armed with a tennis racket.
Laura Jane armed with a tea towel, my preferred weapon for dealing with man-eating moths and baby birds.
Mick, the cat, armed with speed and cunning.
Fanny, the Bulldog, armed with eagerness and a fiercely wagging tail nub.
Otis, the Basset Hound, not actually armed with anything.
Sister, the late lamented sister to Mick, armed with superior hunting skills.
All of us just waiting like the gullible fools we were.

I opened the fireplace doors and screamed as something went for my throat. Dave screamed too, and I'm pretty sure he leaped. The squirrel, doing his best Bat out of Hell impression, flew over our heads. The rest of the members of our team took off after it.

Now the chase was on.

When I say "chase" you should picture a pack of very strange athletes racing around a track because that was what we had unwittingly allowed by not closing any doors in the house. The office to the living room to the hallway to the bedroom to the office. After one lap, Dave and I opted to drop out and calmly discuss the situation.
Dave: Should we close the doors?
Laura Jane: We don't want to trap him inside our bedroom.
Dave: (Shudders) No, that would bad.
Laura Jane: Let's open the front door. Maybe he will go outside.
The animals were totally oblivious to us, they were just putting in the miles. For a brief moment I considered putting on the Chariots of Fire soundtrack.

It didn't end happily. There was no carnage thankfully, but the squirrel opted to hide rather than go play outside. Unfortunately at that time the guest bedroom was perfect for hiding small creatures as it was completely given over to storage for Dave's sister's furniture. The piano in front blocked access to all human beings and dogs. The squirrel and cats were the only ones who could squeeze through. At some point the cats came out to demand their dinner. Squirrel meat was not the chosen bill of fare that night, they were asking for Fish Ahoy. At some point I am sure the great leaping squirrel of death found his way outside. Maybe he figured out how to use the dog door.

Santa Day?

I was thinking of that Reeses Peanut Butter Cup commercial the other day, the one where two people are arguing: "You get your peanut butter out of my chocolate!" "No! You get your chocolate out of my peanut butter." I was thinking of this because of the big struggle going on nationwide. "You get your Christ out of my Christmas." "No! You remember that Jesus is the reason for the season!"

Maybe it is time to separate the two. Christmas is Big Business. Jewish people, atheists, Muslims, Hindus, and Buddhists all want to celebrate the glorious excesses of Christmas. But Christians are upset that Jesus is increasingly being left out. Here in Raleigh, there is a big brouhaha over an full page ad taken out in the Raleigh News & Observer by The Upper Room Church of God in Christ. The ad complains that religious carols are seldom played by Muzak anymore and stores prefer to wish people "Season's Greetings" rather than "Merry Christmas." The ad went on to cite statistics that show only 5 % of the nation celebrates Hanukkah and only 2 % of the nation celebrates Kwanzaa. So the church is urging Christians to boycott stores that don't wish their patrons a Merry Christmas. But what exactly does Christmas mean to people? Everyone has his or her own idea of how much religion to include in this holiday.

It is time to realize that December 25th is really two holidays. First there is the religious day which celebrates Christ's birth. This is the one when you dress nicely and go to church with your family, perhaps even candlelight service. You sing O Little Town of Bethlehem and Silent Night as you hand out blankets to the homeless. You arrange the creche, perhaps daily, waiting until Christmas morning to put the baby Jesus in his bed of straw. Your Christmas cards have a famous painting of the Virgin Mother holding her son in her arms. And the littlest member of the family is tucked into bed with the story of Jesus' birth.

Then there is the other holiday.

This holiday is all about being jolly and spending money. You spend too much on gifts and decorate your house inside and out. You wear your silly Santa pin and your sweater with raindeer wearing pajamas to the office. Your cards wish everybody "Happy Holidays" and show a funny picture of a snowman. You dress up in your glitzy clothes to attend the office party where you drink too much and kiss your co-workers under the mistletoe. And in the back round, Gene Autry is singing about that crazy Rudolph character The littlest member of the household is tucked into bed with stories of Santa Claus.

Maybe it is time to separate the two. After all, the family celebration that we think of as Christmas has only been around for about 100 years. This book explains the origins. Christmas started out as a celebration of Solstice which the early Christian Church appropriated in order to help civilize the pagans. But Christmas remained a drinking holiday, a chance to chase the winter blues away. In fact, it was such a raucous holiday that American Puritans actually banned it. Christmas celebrations were outlawed in most states until the mid-Nineteenth century. What changed? For one thing, the elevation of the family by Queen Victoria and Prince Albert. Not only did they promote a family celebration over the drunken orgy, they helped popularize the German idea of a Christmas tree. With this idea of a family celebration in mind, Dickens wrote "A Christmas Carol" which crossed the Atlantic, and thus the American ideal of Christmas Day was born.

Some people believe we should make Christmas more inclusive. www.Christmukkah.com is promoting a holiday that combines Christmas with Hanukkah. But I think a better idea is to return Christmas back into a purely religious holiday. Make Christmas a celebration of Christ's birth by getting rid of all the commercialism, the gift-giving, and the decorating. Then, those who want to celebrate Santa Day: Christians, Muslims, atheists, and Jews, can do so without any guilt.

Change will be difficult. First there's the problem of which Holiday should fall on which date. I propose Christ's birth to be celebrated on the next to the last Sunday of the year and Santa Day to be held sometime in February when we really need to chase the winter blues away. (Besides, this will give us so many more shopping days after Thanksgiving.) The division of the spoils will be tricky though. Christmas retains angels, stars, and candles. Santa Day gets exclusive use of mistletoe, snowflakes, and Santa Day Trees. Perhaps we will need a coin toss to decide who gets custody of the colors Red and Green. But the easiest method to expedite all this would be to elect me Queen of The Universe.