Christmas Coal

By now that you have had a chance to unwrap your Christmas presents. Did you get any clinkers? If you are less than satisfied with something you received, you might want to check out this discussion board. Members were asked what was the strangest Christmas present they ever received. The winner (in my opinion) was the guy who got a toilet seat. From his parents. When he was 13. The best you can say about that is: hopefully it wasn't used.

Twas The Night Before Christmas!

Dave is off to the salt mines tonight (Their Motto: The Salt Mines Never Close, Even If It Is Christmas Eve And You Want To Sip Brandy By The Fireplace With Your Girlfriend And Play "Have You Been Naughty Or Nice?") and Mick has a vole dance to chaperone, so Fanny and I are going to hang out together and wait for Santa Claws to come by and drop wieners into our mouths. If you were here with us, you would get a wiener too. But whatever you are doing tonight and tomorrow, my family wishes you and yours a wonderful, joyous time of good cheer.

Jesus Would Have Done The Same Thing

How often do we think we know exactly what God wants? How often do we think we know what Jesus would do? The love of God can accomplish wonderful things, but what is done in the name of religion so often breaks my heart.

There is a story in my local paper, The Raleigh News & Observer, subtitled "Jesus Would Have Done The Same Thing." The minister-director of a homeless shelter evicted a pregnant woman and her children three days before Christmas because the Rev. Oliver S. Robinson said she broke the rules. She had a man in her room.

The man was the children's uncle. He and his wife came to visit the children, doubtless they brought Christmas presents. When he was told that he was breaking the rules by being in the room, the aunt and uncle continued their visit outside. But the rules had been broken and that was enough for the director. The next morning, the woman, eight months pregnant, and her three children were asked to leave the shelter immediately. Crying, she put her children--still wearing their pajamas--into their car seats and drove off. She had been living in the shelter for 4 months while waiting for an income-based apartment to open. She paid $50.00 a month to the shelter.

"She herself created this situation. She is a young woman who does not want to listen to anybody. And it don't matter what time of year it is, winter time, Christmas time, cold time or whatever." The Rev. Robinson, director of the Tabernacle of Faith Church Outreach Center, added that his shelter is a credit to the community. "These people need tough love. I don't feel comfortable with it. God don't get no pleasure punishing us. But he does it. Jesus would have done the same thing."

The Twelve Wieners of Christmas

This is a new holiday to me. I had never heard of "The Twelve Wieners of Christmas" until Fanny told me all about it. She explained that Santa Claws comes around and drops wieners into the mouths of all good little puppies. It shouldn't surprise me that we are currently celebrating a strange holiday I had never heard about previously, our family life revolves around strange customs and holidays that are not practiced by anybody else.

For example there is the fine old custom of Sunday Brunch Bacon Deja Vu. This occurs when Fanny sits on the carpet in the living room obediently in full "Ideal Dog" position while we eat our Sunday brunch in the kitchen. She is rewarded after brunch is over, by being allowed to enter the kitchen and receive a tidbit of bacon. Often she will immediately head back to the carpet to resume the Ideal Dog pose. We believe she does this in order to trick us into rewarding her again. Sometimes it works.

Once a month we are blessed with A Visit by The Best Meter Reader in The World. This is a great state occasion-- akin to a visit by The Queen of England.

Halloween is of course an international festival much beloved by children, but we celebrate it a little bit differently around here. We forgo buying any candy under the assumption that our dark house on the sparsely populated dead end street will not receive any trick-or-treaters. Invariably we will hear the doorbell ring at 8:16 and discover two adolescent boys pretending to be two other adolescent boys. In their embarrassment, they will speak no words, but mutely hold up a shared pillowcase. We will search the house for a suitable reward, thrilled that they have bothered to come to our house. We are sure that long after all the chocolate treats have been consumed, our can of Mexicorn will be a reminder of this festive holiday.

Held semi-weekly the Laura Jane is Cutting Up Chicken, Let Us Go and Share Our Urgent Need is celebrated in song and dance by all members, with the possible exception of Dave.

The First Ice Boogie isn't so much a holiday as it is a sporting event. Due to the tragic and on-going complete lack of handrails at our house, when the steps to the front and side porches are iced over I usually end up on my bottom. I have heard reports that this is quite hysterical in appearance. Last year's bruise took the shape of the Virgin Mary. Thankfully, David chose not to sell my butt on eBay.

Another sporting event is When You Hear The Microwave Ding, Attack Something. Don't look at me, this wasn't my idea. Have you ever tried to get a bulldog to change her mind? Fanny's first choice, the Basset Hound's ears, are no longer available as Otis has gone on to his doggie reward in heaven. These days, the target is either Mick, the cat, an unwary dog chew, an insolent leaf tracked into the house, or-- as a last resort-- those obnoxious air molecules.

Now you will have to excuse me. I have to run to the store in order to get ready for the Twelve Wieners of Christmas.

Nation of Dust Collectors

This is the time of the year when we fall on our knees and give thanks...for collectors. You know-- the family members and friends who have large collections that are easily added to. I'm not talking about people who collect very exact, very obscure, or very expensive items, such as Swiss watches handmade in 1923, I'm talking about people who collect anything cow-related.

No need to ask what they want. No need to figure out sizes or colors. It is so pathetically easy to shop for people who collect cows. Do they have a "Moo-ry Christmas" seasonal doormat? Wouldn't she just love a membership in the Cow-Towel of the Month club? Won't he be thrilled to receive a limited edition, rhinestone-encrusted, Elsie-The-Cow shoehorn? I don't believe she has the cow slippers with the glow-in-the-dark udders, yet. Manufacturers are standing by, ready to exploit each and every cow collector's hitherto unrecognized need.

And if you are not lucky enough to have a relative who collects, why you can just force a collection on them! This is what my brother did. Years ago our mother reached her saturation point with angels, but my brother wasn't ready to have her stop collecting, so he started a new one for her. He began giving her bells for Christmas. Before she was ever aware of what was going on, there she was, collecting bells. Face it, my brother could have made a fortune writing the book, Stealth Collections: How to Make Your Friends and Family Collect Inexpensive Things You Can Easily Find.

What a concept. Start that Trout Collection for Aunt Betty today! Pick up some Bowling Alley Matchbooks for cousin Jack. Once you present that Alabama Spoon to your secretary, your gift shopping will be a no-brainer for the next 49 years. And wouldn't your sister enjoy decorating her kitchen with a zany display of canned meat products? As for dear old Dad, imagine the look on his face when he unwraps his 27th book of Fart Jokes.

Some lucky person on my Christmas list will be receiving the ultimate gift: Candy Bar Wrappers. Imagine how much fun it will be to get an album filled with candy bar wrappers. No need to bother the giftee with the contents, just the wrapper will do if nicely presented. And think of the hours of enjoyment you will have together as you page through the album: Look, there are the wrappers I gave you five years ago, I remember those wrappers well. Mmmmm that was a very good year.

Stealth collecting doesn't always work out, though. No matter how many Wieners From Around the World I give Fanny, her collection never seems to get any bigger.