Ask Fanny

Recently the Raleigh News & Observer shuffled around their advice columnists. Ask Peg was dropped and Ask Beth was cut back in order to make way for Ask Amy. Or maybe it was the other way around. Needless to say the newspaper got letters, plenty of letters, letters written by people who apparently lead lives so devoid of excitement that a switch in advice columnists is cause for an apoplexy.

So in an effort to pour oil over troubled waters, I decided now would be a good time to debut a new feature. I give you:

Ask Fanny

Dear Fanny,
I am a big dog with big dog needs but unfortunately my owners are oblivious to my constant hunger. They seem to think one bowl of dry dog food should be enough to sustain me all day. Also the only food that ever drops to the floor is an occasional lonely leaf of lettuce. Lately when they take me to the park I fantasize about everybody we meet. I'm thinking of making a clean break and starting a new relationship but how can I choose the right owners this time?
Starving

Dear Starving,
Check out their waistline; chubby people not only eat more snacks, they are more careless with their food. In a properly run household, you will find cheetos in the couch cushions, pizza crusts on the coffee table, and French fries in the car. One couple I know left an entire frosted cake just sitting within reach of their new puppy. Best of all, if you can manage to find a chubby couple who are starting a new diet you will get to eat all those goodies they are trying not to eat themselves. Good luck!


Dear Fanny,
I love to mountain bike, but my wife never took to it. Now I feel bad every time I go off to bike and leave her behind to mow the lawn. What can I do about that about that annoying feeling of guilt?
Helmet Head

Dear Helmet,
You can sweeten any deal with a treat. Every time you go off and leave your spouse be sure to return home with a bag of doughnuts, a box of Tabasco Cheez-its, or-- best of all-- a pound or two of Godiva chocolates. Before long she will be begging you to go ride your bike.


Dear Fanny,
I'm the leader of the greatest country in the world, but I can't get any respect. People make fun of me just because I say disassemble rather than dissemble. Lately they have stopped calling me Monkey Boy and started referring to me as Lame Duck. I want people to like me but I also want them to do what I tell them to do. Got any suggestions?
King George

Dear King,
People will do almost anything for a Klondike Bar. Or a Twinkie. Or a cheeseburger with fries. Have the secret service start carrying around Snickers Bars to fling to the crowds as you drive by. Make Friday Congress Appreciation Day with free all-you-can-eat Prime Rib for every member of congress. Make it a policy to shower Anti-War Rallies with M & M candies (both plain and peanut.) Give every family in America an Ice Cream Credit and every school child in America a voucher for the Twizzler of their choice. Pretty soon you will not only be the most popular person in America, everybody will be so fat they will lose all interest in Politics and allow you to declare your self Grand Holy Emperor Appointed By God.