Fanny on the Bench

As you may know, Fanny recently graduated from Big Sal’s House ‘O Meat and Dog School and she has been considering her options for a future career, so she was quite excited to hear that there is a vacancy on the Supreme Court. Fanny likes the idea of wearing judicial robes, she thinks she would look quite regal. I pointed out that she has not been trained in the law, but Fanny reminded me that President Bush has said he may look for someone who does not have a law degree. And besides, she thinks there are too few females and too few dogs on the bench. By nominating her, President Bush can plug two minority holes with one bulldog. I suggested that perhaps her age would be considered a liability but Fanny says Grover Norquist, a powerful Republican with close ties to the White House was quoted in The New York Times, “My only recommendation is that they nominate someone who is 12 or 13 years old, “ to ensure as long a conservative legacy as possible. Fanny is 4, so that would be even better.

I sat down with her recently to discover her stance on some of the hot button issues that any nominated Justice will be questioned about by the Senate.

LJ: What is your stance on abortion?

Fanny: When I was young, I was neutered. That has solved a lot of problems.

LJ: But that does not address the problem of abortion for others.

Fanny: Obviously, if more people were neutered, there would be fewer abortions.

LJ: Hmmm. OK, where do you stand on same-sex marriages?

Fanny: Again I have to say more neutering is the answer. My solution would be to neuter 9 out of 10 children born in America. Think of how many problems that would solve! Instead of worrying about everybody’s sex life we could concentrate on the big issues: Global Warming, Famine, Disease, War, and why there isn’t a decent Jewish Delicatessen in Raleigh.

LJ: Well let us leave the issue of sex for a moment and turn to religion. What is your stance on God in Government?

Fanny: We need to go back and take a look at history. I believe that what the founders originally said was “In Dog We Trust” but the secretary at the meeting was a little dyslexic, so it was mistakenly transcribed as “In God We Trust.” I feel certain this is not what our Forefathers would have wanted. They knew that a closer relationship between Dog and Man will lead to happiness. Those old Foundering Fathers were smart guys.

LJ: That is certainly food for thought. Where do you stand on affirmative action?

Fanny: I’m all for it– in fact I think we need to encourage affirmative action. I look around me and I see that Chihuahuas are being barred from police duty, St. Bernards are losing out on lap dog positions, and Pekinese can’t get jobs as sled dogs. I would uphold any laws that would make the entrance exams for Guide Dog School easier for Great Danes. They are notoriously bad at taking tests, but I refuse to believe that as a class they are all too stupid to be good guide dogs.

LJ: I never realized this was such a problem. One final question. The recent Supreme Court decision on eminent domain was seen as controversial. What are your views?

Fanny: It all depends on what is meant by “for the public good.” To me that should be defined by one question: Will we, the public, get more bacon out of the deal? I will support any legislation that razes shopping malls, condos, hotels, and the like in order to allow for more hog farms. This clearly will be of greatest benefit to the public.

LJ: Thank you for your time. It has been interesting.

Fanny: You are welcome. I’ll just sit here next to the phone and wait for my President to call me. Could you bring me some wieners?

LJ: No.