Open Mouth 'N Pour
Just when I thought the processed food industry could no longer shock me, along comes Liquid Cereal “Made With Real Cereal!” My goodness how wholesome. Sounds just like mamma used to make-- back in the good old days when she had time to pour cereal into a bowl and add milk. Sigh. Boy those were the days, eh?
Could we possibly get any lazier as a society? Here is a whole line of foods for people who want the great taste of sugar, refined flour and preservatives soaking in milk, but don’t have the time or energy to chew, much less lift that heavy cardboard box down from the shelves and open it. And before I get a lot of angry comments about “Consider the poor paraplegics for whom this is a godsend!” let me add, I don’t think that is the intended consumer. People with medical problems such as paraplegics have their own line of nutritional liquids. I'm guessing this is for college students too busy playing games on the computer to fuss with a spoon and a bowl.
Having come up with these fabulous new line of fake foods, the mad scientists are no doubt back at work slaving away at their test tubes, looking for that next breakthrough. Looking for ways to make it even easier to pour massive amounts of calories down our gaping maws.
Scene: The Food Laboratory at Giant Conglomerate Fake Food Industries (formerly known as Aunt Betsy's.) Camera focuses in on two serious, science-types in lab coats, Lab Guy One wearing eyeglasses, Lab Guy Two not wearing glasses. Heads bowed together they confer while moving around miniature, toy plastic foods such as fake carton of milk, banana-split replica, pretend plate of spaghetti.
Lab Guy One: How about dehydrating Liquid Cereal and making a dry version?
Lab Guy Two: Been there, done that. It’s called Cereal ‘N Milk bars.
Lab Guy One: Yeah, OK, but you have to chew those. How about a powdered form?
Lab Guy Two: Terrific, then you would have invented Instant Breakfast which has only been around since the 70's.
Lab Guy One: Well... we could leave the Real Cereal in solid form, add powdered milk, and sell it in pouches.
Lab Guy Two: No, still too much chewing. The kids don't want to chew.
Lab Guy One: Wait, I’ve got it. We take out most of the water, add in a gel and sell it like fruit roll-ups. Kids love fruit roll-ups.
Lab Guy Two: Too much work. You have to peel it off the plastic and there is still chewing involved. We have to think about what our customers want. They don’t want to chew. Let’s stick to the liquid.
Lab Guy One: How about making it more nutritious? I’m thinking Bran Flakes ‘N Soy Milk.
Lab Guy Two: Are you kidding me? We came out with the Wheaties ‘N Low Fat Milk and nobody would touch the stuff. Our best seller is the Cap’n Crunch ‘N Half & Half.
Lab Guy One: So let’s give them more sugar and fat if that’s what they want: Sugar Frosted Cookies and Cream ‘N Cream. That would sell.
Lab Guy Two: I’ll shoot that over to marketing– see if it will fly, but meanwhile I think we’re getting bogged down by limiting ourselves to breakfast. Why don’t we move onto lunch. Campbells thinks they’re so great with that Soup on the Go stuff, but you still have to chew the noodles, you know. I’m thinking a whole “Office Mate” line of liquid lunches. Something like Pizza ‘N Pepsi.
Lab Guy One: Yeah! Ham & Swiss on Rye ‘N Cream Soda! Cheeseburger, Chili Fries ‘N Chocolate Shake! Wow, this could be huge.
Lab Guy Two: And if it works out, we move onto dinners. Bratwurst ‘N Beer. Steak ‘N Merlot. Ice Tea ‘N Fried Chicken Dinner, Now With Creamy Coleslaw.
And so we leave our mad scientists to merrily mix up their hellish brews. Coming soon to a Grocery Store near you!
Could we possibly get any lazier as a society? Here is a whole line of foods for people who want the great taste of sugar, refined flour and preservatives soaking in milk, but don’t have the time or energy to chew, much less lift that heavy cardboard box down from the shelves and open it. And before I get a lot of angry comments about “Consider the poor paraplegics for whom this is a godsend!” let me add, I don’t think that is the intended consumer. People with medical problems such as paraplegics have their own line of nutritional liquids. I'm guessing this is for college students too busy playing games on the computer to fuss with a spoon and a bowl.
Having come up with these fabulous new line of fake foods, the mad scientists are no doubt back at work slaving away at their test tubes, looking for that next breakthrough. Looking for ways to make it even easier to pour massive amounts of calories down our gaping maws.
Scene: The Food Laboratory at Giant Conglomerate Fake Food Industries (formerly known as Aunt Betsy's.) Camera focuses in on two serious, science-types in lab coats, Lab Guy One wearing eyeglasses, Lab Guy Two not wearing glasses. Heads bowed together they confer while moving around miniature, toy plastic foods such as fake carton of milk, banana-split replica, pretend plate of spaghetti.
Lab Guy One: How about dehydrating Liquid Cereal and making a dry version?
Lab Guy Two: Been there, done that. It’s called Cereal ‘N Milk bars.
Lab Guy One: Yeah, OK, but you have to chew those. How about a powdered form?
Lab Guy Two: Terrific, then you would have invented Instant Breakfast which has only been around since the 70's.
Lab Guy One: Well... we could leave the Real Cereal in solid form, add powdered milk, and sell it in pouches.
Lab Guy Two: No, still too much chewing. The kids don't want to chew.
Lab Guy One: Wait, I’ve got it. We take out most of the water, add in a gel and sell it like fruit roll-ups. Kids love fruit roll-ups.
Lab Guy Two: Too much work. You have to peel it off the plastic and there is still chewing involved. We have to think about what our customers want. They don’t want to chew. Let’s stick to the liquid.
Lab Guy One: How about making it more nutritious? I’m thinking Bran Flakes ‘N Soy Milk.
Lab Guy Two: Are you kidding me? We came out with the Wheaties ‘N Low Fat Milk and nobody would touch the stuff. Our best seller is the Cap’n Crunch ‘N Half & Half.
Lab Guy One: So let’s give them more sugar and fat if that’s what they want: Sugar Frosted Cookies and Cream ‘N Cream. That would sell.
Lab Guy Two: I’ll shoot that over to marketing– see if it will fly, but meanwhile I think we’re getting bogged down by limiting ourselves to breakfast. Why don’t we move onto lunch. Campbells thinks they’re so great with that Soup on the Go stuff, but you still have to chew the noodles, you know. I’m thinking a whole “Office Mate” line of liquid lunches. Something like Pizza ‘N Pepsi.
Lab Guy One: Yeah! Ham & Swiss on Rye ‘N Cream Soda! Cheeseburger, Chili Fries ‘N Chocolate Shake! Wow, this could be huge.
Lab Guy Two: And if it works out, we move onto dinners. Bratwurst ‘N Beer. Steak ‘N Merlot. Ice Tea ‘N Fried Chicken Dinner, Now With Creamy Coleslaw.
And so we leave our mad scientists to merrily mix up their hellish brews. Coming soon to a Grocery Store near you!
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