Sack Me!

While several Americans have already been fired for keeping Blogs, the first Brit has just lost his job for that reason:


A bookseller has become the first blogger in Britain to be sacked from his job because he kept an online diary in which he occasionally mentioned bad days at work and satirized his "sandal-wearing" boss.
Joe Gordon, 37, worked for Waterstone's in Edinburgh for 11 years but says he was dismissed without warning for "gross misconduct" and "bringing the company into disrepute" through the comments he posted on his weblog

So that got me thinking. I am currently unemployed. Maybe if I complain enough about my working conditions, somebody will hire me.


9:00 am
Wake up at the crack of dawn. Get coffee. Bleech! I wish management would consider some better creamer-- this nonfat milk sucks! Coworkers, Fanny and Mick are screaming at me to get them some coffee too, heavy milk, hold the java. Lazy bastards.

9:30am
Read paper. Laugh harder at letters to editor than at comics.

10:00am
Walk to Main Street accompanied by Fanny. Get snarled at by White Dog on the Corner. Fanny and I pretend we are not intimidated.

2:00pm
Lunch Meeting. Agenda: Watch last night's episode of Amazing Race. Discuss.
Mick had the Fish Ahoy, Fanny had the Dog Chow, Dave had the Swiss and Turkey sandwich with oven fries, I had the small House Salad. Must speak to management about getting better dressing-- this non-fat stuff sucks! Inexplicably there is no dessert cart.

3:00pm
Private meeting with Dave. Agenda: Shower

4:00pm
Forced by management to take nap.

5:00pm
Mail arrives. Flyer from my local grocery store announces "Ways to begin your New Year's Resolutions." Apparently my New Year's resolutions involve buying more Kraft products such as nuts, cheese, and Jello. Check to see if "Eat more Jello" is on my New Year's resolutions. Discover I never made any NYR. Wonder if January 13 is too late? Resolve that next year I will begin my NYR earlier.

6:00pm
Stare at computer screen. Must write new blog entry or will receive angry email from Jewel. Thinking. Thinking.

6:05pm
Yoga Workout. When I start floor exercises, Fanny discovers she has some thoughts she must share immediately. Fanny banished to living room. Back on floor, Mick discovers that he has some thoughts that he must share immediately.

7:30pm
Meeting with kitchen utensils. Agenda: Prepare dinner

9:00pm
Must write love note for Dave's dinner which he takes to work. Stare at blank paper. Thinking. Thinking.

9:20pm
Pack up Dave's Dinner. To include: 1)Dinner:Sausage, Garlic butter noodles, green beans 2)Snack: slice of homemade pizza 3)Dessert: oatmeal cookies 4) Pre-snack snack: banana 5) Drinks: Orange Juice and Soda 6)Utensils: Cutlery/Napkin 7) Reading material:Steaming Hot Love Note
Just thought of good New Year's Resolution. Resolve to start mountain biking so that I, too, will be able to eat like this without gaining weight.

12:00am
Have no-fat, no-sugar cocoa. Bleech! This sucks. Will write memo to management first thing in morning.

12:30am
Meeting with Lumpy the pillow. Agenda: Sleep

The Fanny Fan Club

A long time ago, when I was a different woman, I had two Maltese puppies; two sisters, named Marguerite and Nana. And they each had their own theme song. Marguerite went something like this:

Mar-gue-rite. (boom boom)
Mar-gue-rite. (boom boom)
Marguerite, Marguerite, Mar-gue-rite! (boom boom)

I was remembering this because Fanny is thinking of starting a Fan Club for herself. She feels this is a sure avenue to much adulation leading to ample bestowments of snacks. She has been considering badges, secret hand shakes, decoder rings, and special uniforms, but I told her it would probably be best to start simply. A really catchy theme song could soon have the nation warbling her name much as Oscar Mayer, Coca Cola, and MacDonalds have done with their jingles.

Hot Dogs,
Armour Hot Dogs.
What kind of kids eat Armour hot dogs?
Fat kids, skinny kids, kids that climb on rocks.
Tall kids, short kids, even kids with chicken pox,
Love hot dogs,
Armour hot dogs,
The dogs, kids love to bite.

So Fanny has decided to hold a contest.

Make up a little tune about her and you could win A Special Evening With Fanny: Together with Fanny you will stroll down Main Street, stopping frequently to enjoy the smells and check out the squirrel action, followed by an Intimate Wiener Dinner for Two. The evening's festivities will conclude with a quiet little Bone in Front of the Heater. It will be an night to remember.

No purchase necessary. Entry must be received by February 1, 2005.

Color Me Crazy

First the living room. I want it to be a soft green. Not as blue-green as a robin's egg, not as yellow-green as daffodil buds. The only sample I could get is a little too yellow. But don't let whoever does it go to the other extreme and get it too blue. It should just be a sort of grayish yellow-green.

Now the dining room I'd like yellow. Not just yellow, a very gay yellow. Something bright and sunshine. I'll tell you if you'll send one of your workmen to the grocer for a pound of their best butter and match that exactly, you can't go wrong.

This is the paper we're going to use in the hall. It's flowered but I don't want the ceiling to match any of the colors of the flowers. There's some little dots in the background and it's these dots I want you to match. Not the little greenish dot near the hollyhock, but the little bluish dot between the rosebud and the delphinium blossom.

Now the kitchen is to be white. Not a cold, antiseptic, hospital white. A little warmer, but still not to suggest any other color but white.

For the powder room in here, I want you to match this thread. And don't lose it, it's the only spool I have and I had an awful time finding it. As you can see, it's practically an apple red. Somewhere between a healthy winesap and an unripened Jonathan."

Myrna Loy in Mr Blandings Builds His Dream House

I was thinking of this wonderful scene when I was painting the bathroom a nice robin's egg blue. Mrs. Blandings was ahead of her time. Although she goes to great lengths to explain the exact shade she wants each room painted in her new home, even going so far as to supply examples, as soon as she leaves the room the painter tells his assistant " You got that? Green, yellow, blue, white and red." Apparently, back in the forties, paint only came in 7 colors including white.

If only Mrs. Blandings lived in the era of the custom paint center. She could bring in her butter, her wallpaper and her thread and if they didn't match the hundreds of paint chips already on display, she could have the color analyzed and matched by computer.

But what really boggles the mind is that all those hundreds of colors have names; it is somebody's job to come up with 100 names for "white." The sample in front of me at the moment has 6 variations of white: Extreme White, Snowbank, Icy Pond, Blue Hue, Metamorphosis, and Icy Ballet.

So Dave and I were thinking there is probably room for niche marketing out there. We could start a little paint boutique and sell small, decorated pots of special paint for special groups.

Pet Owners
Goldfish bowl green
Muddy Paw Print Brown
Furball Grey
Chow Tongue Blue
Hide the Hair Beige

Aging Punk Rockers
Nicotine Stain Yellow
Ripped Denim Blue
Pierced Flesh Pink
G. G. Allin Brown
Urinal White

Lawyers/Stockbrokers/Bankers
Executive White
Executive Grey
Executive Black

Fundamentalist Christians
Noah's Ark Brown
Sea of Galilee Blue
Lamb of God White
Precious Blood Red
Brimstone Black

CSI Aficionados
Arterial Plaque White
Gunshot Residue Grey
Body Fluid Yellow
Necrotic Flesh Green
DNA Test Result Blue
Splatter Pattern Red

Obsessive Compulsives
Hand Washing White
Ceaseless Vacuuming White
Lightswitch Plate Licking White

First Rule of Wedded Bliss: No Clay Aiken impersonators

Dave and I are fixin' to go to a 50th Wedding Anniversary Celebration this afternoon which includes a two hours of "entertainment" by an Elvis Impersonator. I suspect we might be leaving early.

But it got us thinking about our own 50th Anniversary-- in our family we firmly believe it is never too early to make up ridiculous fantasies. One thing we all agreed on is there will be no impersonating of any kind whatsoever. Dave did float the idea of a Joey Ramone look alike contest, but as most of our friends will be in their nineties, I doubt this would work.

Dave
Guests will be asked to attend in full mountain biker regalia/ toe clips optional. Camalbacks will be handed out filled with a choice of gatorade or full-bodied lager. An assortment of trail bars will be served. Entertainment will consist of a slide-show of dorky guys on bikes on one damn trail after another with soundtrack supplied by Songs: Ohia. Gifts received will include a gold bike chain, 50 gallon drum of machine oil, and rake-of-the-month club membership.

Laura Jane
We will be receiving our guests from our throne, as surely by then I will have been elected Queen of the Universe. There will be a V-8 Juice fountain, a habanara salsa waterfall, and a Tobasco-flavored Cheez-Its castle surrounded by a moat of chipotle cheddar dip. Guests will enjoy a garden make over followed by a two hour lecture on "Tender Perrenials I have Loved and Lost Through the Years." As gold is the order of the day, we will be showered with hundreds of little gold boxes-- Gold Godiva chocolate boxes.

Fanny
"A Vision of Wieners" is Fanny's idea of the perfect party theme. Everybody will dress as their favorite cut of meat. Sparkling toilet water will be served along with cocktail wieners, cheesy wiener puffs, and individual wiener and bacon tarts. The entertainment will consist of Pat the Puppy. Gifts received will include a book entitled, Bulldogs: Why They Need To Eat 12 Times a Day and enrollment in the smell-of-the month club.

Mick
There will be a strict No Dog dress code enforced at the front door. Goldfish bowl water will be served as well as Vole pate. The entertainment will consist of short naps. Gifts received will include gold velvet goose down pillows large enough for a 15 pound cat to sleep on and membership in the small, helpless rodent-of-the-month-club.

Hope to see you December 31, 2054!