Valentine's Day Surprise

Were you surprised?

There are lots of ways to surprise your loved one on Valentine's Day and sending them a goofy card is only the tip of the iceberg. You might surprise them with an intimate candlelit dinner for two at White Castle Burger. Yes, White Castle Burgers is now taking reservations for the big night.

Between 5 p.m. and 8 p.m., cravers will be greeted at the door by a host and taken to their own candle-lit table with decorations and table covers. They will receive table service complete with wait staff. Reservations are required.

(For those of you who didn't know, "Cravers" is the term White Castle uses for its customers.)

They always say, "It's the thought that counts." Here, I guess the thinking is: "I Love You just like I love cheap, greasy burgers with lots of onion."

Or you could make an impression by sending your dearest love a teddy bear...wearing a straightjacket. Yes, it is the "Crazy For You" Bear.

He even comes with a “Commitment Report” stating “Can’t Eat, Can’t Sleep, My Heart’s Racing. Diagnosis – Crazy for You!”

The message "Baby, you drive me insane" has never been so adorable.

Finally, I shudder to think how many sweet young girls are going to get hit with little Cupid darts shot from The Love Gun.

Just fill the catapult with one or more cupids, pull the trigger, and aim at the person of your dreams! Includes catapult plus four 1" plastic Cupids. Not for children under 3.

I see it now: Chemistry class. There sits quiet, unassuming Amanda with her long blonde hair that smells of Peachs 'N Creem shampoo. She is busy taking notes; trying hard to focus on what Mr. Tanner is saying. Trying not to notice Mr. Tanner's dandruff or the stain on his shirt. Trying very hard not to check the clock again because she knows it hasn't even been three minutes since she last checked it. And lunch is so far in the future, it seems unattainable. Maybe she will try to sneak a--

Ping!. Something small just hit the back of her head. She cranes her head around. Derek, who sits behind her, is giggling. And Brandon who sits next to Derek is attempting his version of a poker face. Derek giggles a lot and Amanda suspects his mother picks out his clothes, but he is usually nice to her. Sometimes they swap notes. Derek has very small, very neat handwriting.

Brandon is not so nice. He wears the same Lord of the Rings T-Shirt every day. He likes to eat cheetohs and his fingers are often stained orange. He smirks a lot, but his eyes are mean. She thinks Derek is a lot nicer when Brandon is not around.

"Is there a problem?" Amanda jumps a little. She had almost forgotten she was in class.

"No, Mr. Tanner." The teacher goes back to droning and she goes back to note-taking. But she feels it again. A little sting on the back of her arm. This time she sees something on the floor. Surreptitiously she nudges it with her foot and casually reaches down to pick it up. She isn't sure what it is. It looks like a little, pink plastic Cupid dart. She turns around and searches Brandon and Derek's faces for clues. But they are hard at work, studying Chemistry. Her cheeks burn. She thinks maybe somebody is making fun of her and her dreams of a secret Valentine.

Because nothing says "Love is in the Air" quite like adolescent torture.

The Secret Dress Code?

By now you have probably seen the pictures from ParkaGate showing The Vice President of the United States- God love him- attending the memorial service for Auschwitz Victims in his capacity as ambassador to the world, wearing a green parka, hiking boots and ski cap. Some of his supporters have wondered if he lost his luggage. This is not very likely given that he flies on Air Force Two and baggage handlers are not allowed with in miles of his stuff. Some of his supporters think that he should be excused because he is a sick old man. This doesn't take into account that he wore proper formal wear during his own inauguration and the very next day after the televised memorial service. Perhaps, his remaining supporters timidly offer, this is just another indication that there is no longer a dress code?

Well we here at The Institute For Making Up Absurd Situations^TM (Motto: We Think Up Ridiculous Stories, So You Don't Have To!) are already on the job. We have looked into these allegations that a dress code no longer exists and feel we can provide evidence that there is a code (of sorts) still in place.

Things We hope never to see:

Cousin Freddie showing up in a clown suit at your mother's funeral.

Your neighbor wearing a prom dress to work in the garden.

A defendant on trial for espionage wearing a Star Wars costume.

A father wearing shorts and a beer cap to his daughter's formal wedding.

Brad Pitt at the Oscars in a Velour warm-up suit from K-Mart.

An applicant wearing SpongeBob Squarepants pajamas to a job interview at NASA.

Crazy Aunt Edna sporting her bathing suit at your graduation.

A toddler wearing a "Decriminalize Marijuana" T-shirt.



And no matter how much he jokes about it, I hope never to see David wearing his bike helmet to bed.