A Dog's Life
It's official. I've made up my mind that when I am reincarnated I want to come back as a dog. Not just any dog though-- a dog like Fanny. Think about it. She has her own dog door, her own backyard, and a variety of velvet couches throughout the house on which to recline. Oh sure, she does have to eat dog food, but I figure if I'm a dog, I'll love dog food.
How did I arrive at this decision? I give you Exhibit A: Fanny and I both had trips to the doctor's office last week. Let's compare and contrast, shall we?
Fanny: When she strolls through the door, vet assistants spring out of the woodwork to greet her. She gets petting and lavish praise. "Oh Fanny! We've missed you."
Laura Jane: When I arrive, I get no petting, no lavish praise. I'm just grateful the nurse doesn't reel back in horror when I get up on the Scales of Doom.
Fanny: The praise continues as first her coat and then her teeth are proclaimed national treasures. "Look at you! You are so beautiful!"
Laura Jane: The deafening silence continues. At the very least they could say something nice about my spleen.
Fanny: Weight check. "Looks like you gained a little weight this year. Here have a dog biscuit," as a vast multitude of dog biscuits fling themselves into her mouth.
Laura Jane: Weight Check. "Looks like you gained a little weight this year. Here, have a diet and exercise plan," as ominous pamphlets are showered on me calling for the complete obliteration of anything I might actually enjoy eating to be replaced by fiber. Lots and lots of fiber.
Fanny: Upon getting her rabies shot, "What a Wonderful dog you are! Can you believe this dog? She is soooo good."
Laura Jane: Upon sucking out vast quantities of very important blood from my body, silence. Crickets chirping in the distance.
Fanny: Upon leaving Fanny gets a jaunty St. Patrick's Day kerchief that compliments her coloring.
Laura Jane: Upon leaving I get bupkis. Not even a St. Patrick's Day cotton ball.
Looking on the bright side, however, at least I didn't have to bring home a stool sample cup.