White Deer R.I.P.

The time has come to let the unluckiest deer in the world go to her eternal reward; White Deer, rest in peace.

For those of you who are unfortunate enough not to live in Garner, North Carolina, I must relate the tragic tale of White Deer. Her first appearance strangely enough coincided with my own move to Garner, although I make no claims to a relationship. Five years ago, sightings of a white deer wandering around Lake Benson Park began to be reported. The small town was abuzz with excitement-- golly, an albino creature of our very own. The town aldermen riding a tidal wave of good feeling decided to name a new park after her. Tragically, although her real name was "Sally" (She Walks in Beauty Like Vanilla Ice Cream) she was known about town as just plain "White Deer," so that is what the new park was named. Even more tragically, three days later she was killed in a fateful rendezvous with a pick-up truck.

But help arrived in the form of a kindly old taxidermist. White Deer was stuffed and then put on display first at the old Garner High School auditorium (scene of many a bad play put on by the Garner Town Players) and then at the North Carolina Museum of Natural Sciences and there she might have comfortably lived out the remainder of her new life as a stuffed animal. But fate had other plans for our darling.

Her next move was to a storage room at the publics works department. At this time the Garner city council was hotly debating what to do with her. It is not every day that God gives a stuffed, albino doe to a small town. Obviously something special should be done for White Deer-- although hopefully nothing too expensive. After much agonizing and dire predictions (more on that in a moment) it was decided White Deer should have her own wee climate-controlled house built and a monthly allowance of $50.00 set aside in the city budget (presumably to pay for the electric bill rather than for candy and magazines.) Oddly enough the choice was made to build "Storytelling House" not in the eponymous White Deer park, but at Lake Benson, scene of her younger, non-stuffed days.

A cute little structure was built and last Sunday White Deer was moved into her new home. But alas! A mere five days later someone broke into Storytelling House, pulled White Deer out and set fire to her. One alderman was quoted as saying, "I said two years ago, and I said right up to the dedication, I thought something bad would happen. The deer was set up. It was an accident waiting to happen."

A $1000.00 reward has been offered for information leading to the arrest of the vandals and there is talk of restoration, but I believe it is time to let White Deer go. She was too good for this world.

Ask Fanny

Recently the Raleigh News & Observer shuffled around their advice columnists. Ask Peg was dropped and Ask Beth was cut back in order to make way for Ask Amy. Or maybe it was the other way around. Needless to say the newspaper got letters, plenty of letters, letters written by people who apparently lead lives so devoid of excitement that a switch in advice columnists is cause for an apoplexy.

So in an effort to pour oil over troubled waters, I decided now would be a good time to debut a new feature. I give you:

Ask Fanny

Dear Fanny,
I am a big dog with big dog needs but unfortunately my owners are oblivious to my constant hunger. They seem to think one bowl of dry dog food should be enough to sustain me all day. Also the only food that ever drops to the floor is an occasional lonely leaf of lettuce. Lately when they take me to the park I fantasize about everybody we meet. I'm thinking of making a clean break and starting a new relationship but how can I choose the right owners this time?
Starving

Dear Starving,
Check out their waistline; chubby people not only eat more snacks, they are more careless with their food. In a properly run household, you will find cheetos in the couch cushions, pizza crusts on the coffee table, and French fries in the car. One couple I know left an entire frosted cake just sitting within reach of their new puppy. Best of all, if you can manage to find a chubby couple who are starting a new diet you will get to eat all those goodies they are trying not to eat themselves. Good luck!


Dear Fanny,
I love to mountain bike, but my wife never took to it. Now I feel bad every time I go off to bike and leave her behind to mow the lawn. What can I do about that about that annoying feeling of guilt?
Helmet Head

Dear Helmet,
You can sweeten any deal with a treat. Every time you go off and leave your spouse be sure to return home with a bag of doughnuts, a box of Tabasco Cheez-its, or-- best of all-- a pound or two of Godiva chocolates. Before long she will be begging you to go ride your bike.


Dear Fanny,
I'm the leader of the greatest country in the world, but I can't get any respect. People make fun of me just because I say disassemble rather than dissemble. Lately they have stopped calling me Monkey Boy and started referring to me as Lame Duck. I want people to like me but I also want them to do what I tell them to do. Got any suggestions?
King George

Dear King,
People will do almost anything for a Klondike Bar. Or a Twinkie. Or a cheeseburger with fries. Have the secret service start carrying around Snickers Bars to fling to the crowds as you drive by. Make Friday Congress Appreciation Day with free all-you-can-eat Prime Rib for every member of congress. Make it a policy to shower Anti-War Rallies with M & M candies (both plain and peanut.) Give every family in America an Ice Cream Credit and every school child in America a voucher for the Twizzler of their choice. Pretty soon you will not only be the most popular person in America, everybody will be so fat they will lose all interest in Politics and allow you to declare your self Grand Holy Emperor Appointed By God.