Designer Chocolates

What happens when your luxury item becomes too popular with the unwashed masses? Why you upgrade, of course.

$35.00 per pound just wasn’t expensive enough, so Godiva Chocolates has recently introduced: The Platinum line. At $80.00 per pound Godiva once again reclaims its status as the bon bon for the absurdly wealthy. But what is it exactly that makes the Platinum Series worth $2.00 per bite? My first guess was that the secret ingredient was....monkey poop. For those of you who don’t follow the world poop news, Kopi Luwek is made from coffee beans harvested from Indonesian civet poop. At $300 per pound it is the most expensive coffee in the world. So if coffee beans can be “harvested” from poop– why not cocoa beans? Perhaps the Platinum Collection chocolate comes from the digestive tract of rare Peruvian albino parrots.

Sadly, the truth is more prosaic. The Platinum Collection is (drumroll please) “extraordinary chocolates, created by world-class chefs.” That got me thinking about what some of our more infamous chefs might do with chocolate:

Wolf Gang Puck: An exciting fusion of chocolate, fruit and sushi.

Emeril Lagasse: We're kicking it up a notch with a little garlic, a little cayanne so these babies will go Bam! in your mouth.

Anthony Bourdain: A tiny drop of motorcycle grease goes into everyone of these bad boys.

Martha Stewart: If everyone of these morsels is not perfect, someone will get fired.

And now, for a limited time only, if you've got more money than sense you may wish to opt for the G Collection. I'm not talking about a mercedes, I'm referring to the ultimate Godiva. At around $3.00 a bite, you can enjoy the p.b. & jam (peanut butter and strawberry jam covered in chocolate) the apple pie (green apples, spices, and lemon covered in chocolate) or the bananas foster (caramelized bananas and spices covered in chocolate.)

Me, I'm holding out for the K. L. Supreme (monkey poop covered in chocolate.)

Big Baby

Waaah! Waaah! Waaah! Wails Big Baby. Big Baby is very spoiled and used to getting his own way. Big Baby is also very, very big and when he throws a temper tantrum-- watch out!

Waaah! Waaah! Waaah! Big Baby is sobbing. “I want my money! I want it all paid back– even if it takes people the rest of their lives!” “But Big Baby, sometimes people have real emergencies. Sometimes the co-payment on their medical bills is tens of thousands of dollars. Sometimes people put these bills on their credit cards and then you raise the interest on them.” “Waaaah!” “But Big Baby, the credit card companies are making billions of dollars in profits.” “Waaaaah!” “But, Big Baby, companies get to dissolve and walk away scot free from unpaid bills, so why shouldn’t individuals get the same consideration?” “Waaaah!” “There, there,” murmurs congress.

And so congress passes a new law that makes sure the poor, helpless credit card companies get every penny they are owed.

Waaah! Waaah! Waaah! Big Baby is pounding the floor with his massive fists. “I want to sell my guns anywhere and any way I want." "But Big Baby, you can sell your guns anywhere you want. You just have to be careful about who you sell them to." "Waaah! Waaah! Waaaah! I’m scared of lawsuits. I’m scared of the American justice system. I’m scared of soft-hearted juries. I don’t want to be sued by states and local governments. I’m afraid of facing people who have lost their loved ones.” “There, there,” says congress.

And so congress passes a law that prevents state and local governments and individuals from bringing lawsuits against the poor, helpless gun manufacturers.

Waaah! Waaah! Waaah! Big Baby is red in the face with anger. “I love selling food to little children, it's so easy. I don't want anybody telling me I'm bad!" "But Big Baby, the food you sell is very addictive and very unwholesome. You target little children with your play areas and your cartoons and there is an epidemic of childhood obesity in this country." "Waaah! Waaah! Waaah! I don’t care if if it makes them sick, that’s not my fault!” “There, there,” whispers congress.

And so congress passes a law preventing anyone from suing the innocent little fast food companies.

Ssssh. Big Baby is sleeping right now. Lets hope he doesn’t wake up. Because Big Baby is very, very powerful and congress will do anything that Big Baby wants. The only problem is, the more you give a spoiled baby, the more he wants. What’s next? Fewer emission controls? A drop in the minimum wage? Getting rid of OSHA? No lawsuits against the pharmaceutical industry? I don’t know about you, but Big Baby is starting to scare me.