Fun Things to do with Trash

Artificial Bright idea of a tire reef off the Fort Lauderdale coast is now simply a blight. A 1972 Goodyear news release proclaimed that a reef built out of a million tires dumped offshore would "provide a haven for fish and other aquatic species,' and noted the "excellent properties of scrap tires as reef material.' It turns out that, "They're a constantly killing coral destruction machine."

April 1, 2007
St Petersburg, Fla---Residents here in St. Pete were groaning under the ever growing burden of NASCAR Collectable Popcorn Tins. "You just can't throw them away! They're too valuable," Becky Barefoot, owner of Hands of Glory nail shop and beauty salon, was overheard to remark. Many collectors, frustrated by the amount of storage space the tins required, turned to eBay for a quick fix and were alarmed to discover that no one in the nation wished to purchase used popcorn tins. Some people even attempted to return the tins to WalMart claiming that they were duped by the word "collectable" into purchasing more popcorn tins than they required.

The situation seemed hopeless until 11-year-old Barry Farker of Sandy Pirate Cove Elementary School proposed a novel solution. "We could tie them together and make shelters for the homeless. Popcorn tins would be better than cardboard boxes any day of the week. And the bums could eat the popcorn crumbs when they get hungry."

Wildly enthusiastic about this 5th grader's idea on how to solve two problems at once, the city fathers have begun a NASCAR Collectable Popcorn Tin drive and the construction of the new habitats will begin shortly. Readers wishing to donate to this worthy cause may contact city hall.

State of Confusion

As I wrote previously, the Great State of Georgia might need to rethink their image as The Peach State since they are no longer the leading producers of peaches. As it turns out they are the leading producers of...chickens. Somehow, though, "The Chicken State" doesn't quite have that same ring. Who wants to live on Chicken Street? Plus, dubbing a professional baseball player The Georgia Chicken doesn't sound like an accolade.

So I have a suggestion. I think Georgia ought to negotiate with George Lucas so they can call themselves "The Star Wars State." How cool would that be? Everybody loves Star Wars. Who wouldn't want to own a business on Skywalker Boulevard or a home on Han Solo Lane? The new license plates would be so cool every nerd in America will want one. And The Atlanta Braves could change their name "The Millennium Falcons." Goooo Falcons!

While Georgia is fighting the Peach Wars across state lines, Florida is keeping its skirmishes in-state. The battle to name The Official State Pie is being furiously fought between the North and the South. Northerners, many of whom are citrus growers, are fighting for The Key Lime Pie while Southerners are behind The Pecan Pie. I don't know who the winner will be. But the loser will be anyone on a diet.

Much Ado About Peaches

I think I must have been dropped on my head as a baby because my "community spirit" lobe seems badly damaged. While everyone around me gets wrapped up in extolling the virtues of their city or state, I'm left wondering what all the fuss is about.


For example, when I first moved here to North Carolina, I was bemused to see their license plates read "First in Flight." Really? John Glenn was born here? "Well no," my darling husband had to explain, "it refers to Kitty Hawk." For months I found this a source of amusement. North Carolinians were proud that the Wright brothers-- who were not born here or even designed their plane here-- chose a sandy hill in Kitty Hawk, North Carolina to jump off. My daughter wasn't so amused, however, when we forced her to climb "The Hill Of Death" (her name) in the middle of summer. It is.. how shall I put this...a sandy hill. As tourist attractions go, it is somewhere between the grand canyon and the Stuckey's gas station on Highway 50.

My point is, that North Carolinians took a sandy hill that hosted a historic moment and ran with it-- making it a point of state pride. Yah Hoo! First in Flight! Most out-of-staters probably don't even know what that means. But never mind. State license plate mottos are not meant for out-of-staters.

And neither are Official State Thingys. As I have mentioned before, North Carolina's Official State Fruit is the scuppernong grape, but the Official State Blue Fruit is the blueberry, a detail that is funny to me, but serious to blueberry growers. Who else cares? Probably only the child who has to memorize this stuff for a school report.

I bring this up because Alabama just passed a resolution on Tuesday naming The Peach as Alabama's Official State Tree Fruit. Georgia is not amused. Georgia is in fact mad as hell. Georgia declares itself to be known internationally as The Peach State, and anybody who has attempted to navigate the byways of Atlanta knows that every other street is named Peachtree. Peachtree Lane, Court, Circle, Avenue, etc. Georgia takes its peachiness seriously. I expect there will have to be a peach-off.

Meanwhile, there has been no word from South Carolina which also declares the Peach to be the Official State Fruit. Oddly enough, South Carolina actually grows more peaches than Alabama or Georgia, but they choose not to flaunt it. Their license plate says: "Smiling Faces, Beautiful Places" which is better than using their state nickname, "The Palmetto State." Whenever I see the word Palmetto, I automatically think of the Palmetto bug and nobody wants their state to be associated with a large, scary cockroach.

Stranger still, the number one grower of peaches in the United States turns out to be...California. California can't be bothered defending their peach status, because it is too busy with the California-Florida orange wars. California is "The Golden State" but Florida is "The Sunshine State." While sunshine is very enticing to the people living in colder states, I personally think that California should just go ahead and declare themselves "The Bimbo State." Now that's a tourist attraction!