Official State Hellbender

The naming of Official State Thingys is not for wimps; only the most steely-jawed, resolute politicos can stand up to the protests and outrage that come when naming-- taking a purely made-up example-- Flamingo Pink as The Official State Color of Arkansas. "But what about Burnt Sienna?" plead the Italian lovers. "Too girly!" yell the NASCAR Dads. "People will confuse us with Florida," is the outraged cry of Citizens Who Love Arkansas. And so on.

Therefore it should come as no surprise that the NC House of Representatives, caving into the momentary whims of tiny schoolchildren by naming the American bullfrog as The Official State Amphibian, was rebuked by the state Herpetological Society. "Too common!" the herps cried, and in fact, Missouri, Iowa, and Oklahoma have already claimed the American Bullfrog as their own. "Too fat and warty." Ok, maybe they didn't say that exactly but they implied it when a spokesperson told the Raleigh N & O: "It is a big frog, grows rapidly, is highly vocal, doesn't live long and eats anything they can stuff in their mouth." Gosh, yes, we don't want a big, loud, fat amphibian as common as dirt to represent the proud state of North Carolina. No, no what we want is an elegant amphibian; a thin amphibian who wears Prada and dates Brad Pitt. Barring that, what we want is an amphibian with a funny name.

Enter the Eastern Hellbender Salamander. The biggest, baddest salamander in North America. A salamander that can kick the asses of all other salamanders, which should appeal to those NASCAR dads.

Or what if we did something really wacky and named as the Official State Amphibian a creature that is only found in our state? I know it sounds crazy especially when you consider our Official State Beverage is milk and our Official State Tree is the Pine, but let's face it-- no other state is going to name the Neuse River Waterdog as their official state amphibian because it is only found here. Waterdog or Bullfrog? The state Senate will be voting on the bill soon. All the world awaits with baited breath.

Oh and if you didn't already know, the Official State Color of North Carolina is: Red and Blue, I guess white goes without saying.

Annie Get Your Gun Apron

A high School performance of "Grease" in the town of Futon, Mo drew criticism-- not as you might think for bad vocals or clumsy dancing-- but in part because of the scene of girls singing in their pajamas. Three letters from the same church (one written by someone who had not even viewed the performance) caused the principal to cancel the upcoming performance of The Crucible by Arthur Miller. Oh the kids still have to read the play in class, but a performance about the Salem witch trials was thought to be too inflammatory.

I think that if you go to most schools and start up some campaign to complain to their superintendent (or principal, whoever is paranoid) about a show the high school is putting on, they'll feel obligated to make some sort of crazy reaction and cancel things

Which got me thinking. If you can criticize "Grease" for its scenes of pajama-clad girls, what about other musicals?

The Wizard of Oz: Flying Monkeys!! Flying Monkeys are the devil's instruments. And witches!?

Oliver!: Do we really want to be giving our children lessons in how to become a pickpocket?

The Music Man: A musical that glorifies the life of a con man. What sort of message are we sending our children?

Romeo and Juliet: Teenagers disrespecting their parents and having sex. Good Heavens!

Guys and Dolls: Do we really want our kids portraying gangsters and loose women?

Peter Pan: The leading man(?) wears tights, flies around, and talks to fairies. Nuff said.

Oklahoma!: Contains a song entitled, "I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say 'No'"

The Pajama Game: No! No pajamas. Ever. Pajamas are the devil's tool.

Perhaps we should be limiting our high school students to plays and musicals about high school students. Oh wait. That would be "Grease."