Official State Hellbender

The naming of Official State Thingys is not for wimps; only the most steely-jawed, resolute politicos can stand up to the protests and outrage that come when naming-- taking a purely made-up example-- Flamingo Pink as The Official State Color of Arkansas. "But what about Burnt Sienna?" plead the Italian lovers. "Too girly!" yell the NASCAR Dads. "People will confuse us with Florida," is the outraged cry of Citizens Who Love Arkansas. And so on.

Therefore it should come as no surprise that the NC House of Representatives, caving into the momentary whims of tiny schoolchildren by naming the American bullfrog as The Official State Amphibian, was rebuked by the state Herpetological Society. "Too common!" the herps cried, and in fact, Missouri, Iowa, and Oklahoma have already claimed the American Bullfrog as their own. "Too fat and warty." Ok, maybe they didn't say that exactly but they implied it when a spokesperson told the Raleigh N & O: "It is a big frog, grows rapidly, is highly vocal, doesn't live long and eats anything they can stuff in their mouth." Gosh, yes, we don't want a big, loud, fat amphibian as common as dirt to represent the proud state of North Carolina. No, no what we want is an elegant amphibian; a thin amphibian who wears Prada and dates Brad Pitt. Barring that, what we want is an amphibian with a funny name.

Enter the Eastern Hellbender Salamander. The biggest, baddest salamander in North America. A salamander that can kick the asses of all other salamanders, which should appeal to those NASCAR dads.

Or what if we did something really wacky and named as the Official State Amphibian a creature that is only found in our state? I know it sounds crazy especially when you consider our Official State Beverage is milk and our Official State Tree is the Pine, but let's face it-- no other state is going to name the Neuse River Waterdog as their official state amphibian because it is only found here. Waterdog or Bullfrog? The state Senate will be voting on the bill soon. All the world awaits with baited breath.

Oh and if you didn't already know, the Official State Color of North Carolina is: Red and Blue, I guess white goes without saying.

Grand Old Southern Names

After living my entire life in Southern California, I moved to North Carolina: Culture Shock, Ahoy! I sometimes feel as though I am an anthropologist living among and observing a foreign peoples. The phrases "I reckon so" and "you might could do" are still used here. Pig Pickins and Crawdad Festivals are cause for celebration. Easter Monday is a state holiday and there are more varieties of Baptist churches than you could ever imagine. But by far the most interesting aspect of the pure Southern culture is the names; it is so interesting to me, in fact, a year ago I started recording some of my favorite names from the state-wide obituaries published in the Raleigh News & Observer. I doubt you will find many Cleasters or Othas living in other parts of the United States.

Unusual women's names outnumber the men's names by about 4 to 1. Apparently people who name their sons John or Charles like to get creative or whimsical when naming their daughters. First there is a preponderance of "I" names: Iola, Iva, Iona, Ivella, Imojean, Ima Sue, Idella, Irma, and Ilean. Ilean is also an example of variable spelling which includes: Malissa, Myldred, Berdie, Airlean, Aileen, Annita, Maybel, Mabyl, Juelle, Berlinda, Euna, Blance, Lydeah, and Perley. Then there are names which I doubt you would find anywhere but the South: Narcissus, Dimple, Nymphes, Alida, Pernaria, Sudie, Doyette, Verla, Derlie, Beazer, Reca, Dare, Nevella, Louretha, Blonnie, Nula, Niecy, Fernie, Bernell, Margie Bell, Rando, Vysta, Nelma,and Bayetta. Dare of course is popular because of Virginia Dare-- the first colonist born in America.

By far the largest catagory of unusual Southern names given to women is the "een" or "ine" catagory: Berteen, Noreen, Earline, Clarine, Dozene, Ethelene, Atheleen, Erdene, Pearline, Enseldine, Erseldine, Jourleen, Lendine, Undine, Lovine, and Garleen. Say them out loud and it is almost like poetry.

The males are occasionally given unusual names: Livius, Ransome, Lavotis, Wellington, Loy, Flay, Hixton, Craven, Doliver, Napoleon, Swain, Tyrus, Bonnie James, Ludie Earl, Lemon, Velmon, Sherimiah, Sherrard, Pratt, Kermon, Elred, Almond, Zolla, and Badger. While in this case Badger was a Christian name rather than a nickname, male nicknames are a whole 'nother kettle of fish-- with "Fish" being an example.

Animal nicknames include: Bear, Grizzly, Worm, Slug, Buck, Porky, Mole, Frog, Pig, Rat, Bug, Duck, Donkey, Dog, Redbird, Possum, and Skeeter. Do you suppose "Mole" was blind and "Slug" was slow? But what are we to make of "Worm"?

Manly nicknames include: Killer, Mad Dog, Low Rider, Boots, Bro, Woody, and Mack. I hope "Mad Dog" was used ironically.

Not-so Manly nicknames include: Squirt, Elmo, Sonny Boy, Buddy Boy, Shorty, and Pinky. Do you think "Squirt" chose his own nickname?

Then there is the good, old-fashioned nicknames: Jiggs, Flick, Preacher, Foggie, Tink, and Shack. I really like the nickname "Jiggs"-- how many times do you suppose he heard, "The Jiggs is up"?

Female nicknames are much more rare. In the last year the only ones I have recorded are: Sunshine, Baby Sis, Munner, Datie, Sweet Pea, Beady, and Sister Bass. "Baby Sis" was in her 90's when she died-- forever the baby.

The last catagory is the head-scratchers. Only the friends and family know what they refer to: Dibbie,Tree, Tupie, Bunch, Frosty Man, Niney, Red Eye, Boolie, Bronie, Fossile, Ringman, Wahoo, and Shoob. I like to imagine that "Frosty Man" drank his beer very, very cold.

Finally, some names must be presented in the entirity to appreciate their glory. Therefore, Rest in Peace:

Derlie Blevins
Levester Wigman
Cleaster Cherry
Lenwood Suggs
Nettie Jane Slumpf
Luna Hathcock
Pansy Crumpler
Ollie Lee Lovely
Turner Pickle
Delmas Corns
Meta Tew
Elbert Truelove
Ferebee Hogpath
Euzelia Clodfelter
Ersel Outlaw
Velmon Snipes
Lemuel Snaw
Keffrey Jeffrey

Letters To The Editor-- February 22, 2006

I read The Raleigh News & Observer every morning. As newspapers go it is somewhere between The Los Angeles Times and The Nowheresville Highly Opinionated Weekly. The one feature that I look forward to reading every morning is "The Letters To The Editor" because it is so often a source of naked bigotry, ignorance, and religious zealotry. This morning I read this little gem:

Some of the reasons the liberal elite media despise our vice president are:
1) He is very intelligent.
2) He refuses to worship at their sef-constructed altar.
3) He is amused by their stupid questions.
4) He is effective beyond their collective imagination.
5) He enjoys the full confidence of our president, his colleagues and a majority of the American people.
6) They cannot understand his lack of interest in becoming president.
7) He has a subtle and sophistocated sense of humor surpassing their understanding.
8) He knows his job, and more about government, business, economics and defense matters then they can fathom.
9) He is a patriot.
10) He is a man of faith.

Odd, I never thought of Cheney as a "man of faith." I will say he doesn't wear his religion on his sleeve as so many other politicians do. Perhaps Cheney takes after his boss and is one of those born-again Christians who don't attend church.

Overall that is quite a list and while I could nitpick (#5 is highly questionable) I think that the most revealing are #s 1 and 9. The fact that the letter writer thinks the "liberal, elite media" despises Cheney for being intelligent and patriotic taints the whole list for me.

The word "liberal" means "Not rigorous or literal, open-minded, unprejudiced. Progressive, favoring individual liberty and democratic reform. Generous, open-handed." I suspect that it is the "open-handed" part that has given liberals a bad name. To be liberal is to be open to change-- the very opposite of being a conservative-- and being open to change means welcoming intelligence. Without information how can we change? To state that liberals hate somebody because they are "intelligent" is to completely misunderstand the ideals of liberalism.

But it is the definition of "Patriot" that I have the greatest dificulty with these days. We so often hear it bandied about and lately the idea of who or who is not a patriot seems to have changed mightily. These days the easiest way to be marked as a patriot is to wear a little flag lapel on one's jacket while the quickest way to be marked as a traitor is to speak out against the government, as though the present administration-- not the people or the land or the history or the culture-- is the sole embodiment of America.

I sure wish we could go back to the old definition when to be a patriot didn't mean enriching one's own pockets at the expense of others but meant sacrifice. When serving one's country did not mean earning millions while living a life of power and luxury in Washington D.C. passing legislation that benefits one's friends in big business.

I guess when it comes to the meaning of the word, "Patriot" you can call me a conservative.