Official State Hellbender

The naming of Official State Thingys is not for wimps; only the most steely-jawed, resolute politicos can stand up to the protests and outrage that come when naming-- taking a purely made-up example-- Flamingo Pink as The Official State Color of Arkansas. "But what about Burnt Sienna?" plead the Italian lovers. "Too girly!" yell the NASCAR Dads. "People will confuse us with Florida," is the outraged cry of Citizens Who Love Arkansas. And so on.

Therefore it should come as no surprise that the NC House of Representatives, caving into the momentary whims of tiny schoolchildren by naming the American bullfrog as The Official State Amphibian, was rebuked by the state Herpetological Society. "Too common!" the herps cried, and in fact, Missouri, Iowa, and Oklahoma have already claimed the American Bullfrog as their own. "Too fat and warty." Ok, maybe they didn't say that exactly but they implied it when a spokesperson told the Raleigh N & O: "It is a big frog, grows rapidly, is highly vocal, doesn't live long and eats anything they can stuff in their mouth." Gosh, yes, we don't want a big, loud, fat amphibian as common as dirt to represent the proud state of North Carolina. No, no what we want is an elegant amphibian; a thin amphibian who wears Prada and dates Brad Pitt. Barring that, what we want is an amphibian with a funny name.

Enter the Eastern Hellbender Salamander. The biggest, baddest salamander in North America. A salamander that can kick the asses of all other salamanders, which should appeal to those NASCAR dads.

Or what if we did something really wacky and named as the Official State Amphibian a creature that is only found in our state? I know it sounds crazy especially when you consider our Official State Beverage is milk and our Official State Tree is the Pine, but let's face it-- no other state is going to name the Neuse River Waterdog as their official state amphibian because it is only found here. Waterdog or Bullfrog? The state Senate will be voting on the bill soon. All the world awaits with baited breath.

Oh and if you didn't already know, the Official State Color of North Carolina is: Red and Blue, I guess white goes without saying.

Grand Old Southern Names

After living my entire life in Southern California, I moved to North Carolina: Culture Shock, Ahoy! I sometimes feel as though I am an anthropologist living among and observing a foreign peoples. The phrases "I reckon so" and "you might could do" are still used here. Pig Pickins and Crawdad Festivals are cause for celebration. Easter Monday is a state holiday and there are more varieties of Baptist churches than you could ever imagine. But by far the most interesting aspect of the pure Southern culture is the names; it is so interesting to me, in fact, a year ago I started recording some of my favorite names from the state-wide obituaries published in the Raleigh News & Observer. I doubt you will find many Cleasters or Othas living in other parts of the United States.

Unusual women's names outnumber the men's names by about 4 to 1. Apparently people who name their sons John or Charles like to get creative or whimsical when naming their daughters. First there is a preponderance of "I" names: Iola, Iva, Iona, Ivella, Imojean, Ima Sue, Idella, Irma, and Ilean. Ilean is also an example of variable spelling which includes: Malissa, Myldred, Berdie, Airlean, Aileen, Annita, Maybel, Mabyl, Juelle, Berlinda, Euna, Blance, Lydeah, and Perley. Then there are names which I doubt you would find anywhere but the South: Narcissus, Dimple, Nymphes, Alida, Pernaria, Sudie, Doyette, Verla, Derlie, Beazer, Reca, Dare, Nevella, Louretha, Blonnie, Nula, Niecy, Fernie, Bernell, Margie Bell, Rando, Vysta, Nelma,and Bayetta. Dare of course is popular because of Virginia Dare-- the first colonist born in America.

By far the largest catagory of unusual Southern names given to women is the "een" or "ine" catagory: Berteen, Noreen, Earline, Clarine, Dozene, Ethelene, Atheleen, Erdene, Pearline, Enseldine, Erseldine, Jourleen, Lendine, Undine, Lovine, and Garleen. Say them out loud and it is almost like poetry.

The males are occasionally given unusual names: Livius, Ransome, Lavotis, Wellington, Loy, Flay, Hixton, Craven, Doliver, Napoleon, Swain, Tyrus, Bonnie James, Ludie Earl, Lemon, Velmon, Sherimiah, Sherrard, Pratt, Kermon, Elred, Almond, Zolla, and Badger. While in this case Badger was a Christian name rather than a nickname, male nicknames are a whole 'nother kettle of fish-- with "Fish" being an example.

Animal nicknames include: Bear, Grizzly, Worm, Slug, Buck, Porky, Mole, Frog, Pig, Rat, Bug, Duck, Donkey, Dog, Redbird, Possum, and Skeeter. Do you suppose "Mole" was blind and "Slug" was slow? But what are we to make of "Worm"?

Manly nicknames include: Killer, Mad Dog, Low Rider, Boots, Bro, Woody, and Mack. I hope "Mad Dog" was used ironically.

Not-so Manly nicknames include: Squirt, Elmo, Sonny Boy, Buddy Boy, Shorty, and Pinky. Do you think "Squirt" chose his own nickname?

Then there is the good, old-fashioned nicknames: Jiggs, Flick, Preacher, Foggie, Tink, and Shack. I really like the nickname "Jiggs"-- how many times do you suppose he heard, "The Jiggs is up"?

Female nicknames are much more rare. In the last year the only ones I have recorded are: Sunshine, Baby Sis, Munner, Datie, Sweet Pea, Beady, and Sister Bass. "Baby Sis" was in her 90's when she died-- forever the baby.

The last catagory is the head-scratchers. Only the friends and family know what they refer to: Dibbie,Tree, Tupie, Bunch, Frosty Man, Niney, Red Eye, Boolie, Bronie, Fossile, Ringman, Wahoo, and Shoob. I like to imagine that "Frosty Man" drank his beer very, very cold.

Finally, some names must be presented in the entirity to appreciate their glory. Therefore, Rest in Peace:

Derlie Blevins
Levester Wigman
Cleaster Cherry
Lenwood Suggs
Nettie Jane Slumpf
Luna Hathcock
Pansy Crumpler
Ollie Lee Lovely
Turner Pickle
Delmas Corns
Meta Tew
Elbert Truelove
Ferebee Hogpath
Euzelia Clodfelter
Ersel Outlaw
Velmon Snipes
Lemuel Snaw
Keffrey Jeffrey

Watermelon, Broccoli, What's The Difference?

Official State Thingys are a minor-- very minor--passion of mine. I figure if the state legislators can go to all the trouble of naming an Official State Blue Fruit for North Carolina (the blueberry), the least I can do is try to pretend I care. So with that in mind, I take note that here in North Carolina the house just passed a bill to declare the American bullfrog as The Official State Amphibian and another to declare The Lexington Food Festival as The Official State Food Festival. I'm not sure what kind of food is being celebrated, but I can guess it isn't celery. Probably not frog legs, either.

And speaking of vegetables, in Oklahoma there was a move to recognize The Watermelon as the Offical State Fruit, but unfortunately that title had already been claimed by the more glamorous Strawberry. It's true, Strawberries do have more fun. Oklahoma legislator, Joe Dorman, was only slightly fazed; he went on to declare The Watermelon as The Official State Vegetable. The reasoning is that, "watermelon comes from the cucumber and gourd families, which are classified as vegetables." Okey-dokey then. This reminds me of when the Reagan Administration declared Ketchup as a vegetable for the school lunch program. I guess politicians don't care for vegetables very much.

Much Ado About Peaches

I think I must have been dropped on my head as a baby because my "community spirit" lobe seems badly damaged. While everyone around me gets wrapped up in extolling the virtues of their city or state, I'm left wondering what all the fuss is about.


For example, when I first moved here to North Carolina, I was bemused to see their license plates read "First in Flight." Really? John Glenn was born here? "Well no," my darling husband had to explain, "it refers to Kitty Hawk." For months I found this a source of amusement. North Carolinians were proud that the Wright brothers-- who were not born here or even designed their plane here-- chose a sandy hill in Kitty Hawk, North Carolina to jump off. My daughter wasn't so amused, however, when we forced her to climb "The Hill Of Death" (her name) in the middle of summer. It is.. how shall I put this...a sandy hill. As tourist attractions go, it is somewhere between the grand canyon and the Stuckey's gas station on Highway 50.

My point is, that North Carolinians took a sandy hill that hosted a historic moment and ran with it-- making it a point of state pride. Yah Hoo! First in Flight! Most out-of-staters probably don't even know what that means. But never mind. State license plate mottos are not meant for out-of-staters.

And neither are Official State Thingys. As I have mentioned before, North Carolina's Official State Fruit is the scuppernong grape, but the Official State Blue Fruit is the blueberry, a detail that is funny to me, but serious to blueberry growers. Who else cares? Probably only the child who has to memorize this stuff for a school report.

I bring this up because Alabama just passed a resolution on Tuesday naming The Peach as Alabama's Official State Tree Fruit. Georgia is not amused. Georgia is in fact mad as hell. Georgia declares itself to be known internationally as The Peach State, and anybody who has attempted to navigate the byways of Atlanta knows that every other street is named Peachtree. Peachtree Lane, Court, Circle, Avenue, etc. Georgia takes its peachiness seriously. I expect there will have to be a peach-off.

Meanwhile, there has been no word from South Carolina which also declares the Peach to be the Official State Fruit. Oddly enough, South Carolina actually grows more peaches than Alabama or Georgia, but they choose not to flaunt it. Their license plate says: "Smiling Faces, Beautiful Places" which is better than using their state nickname, "The Palmetto State." Whenever I see the word Palmetto, I automatically think of the Palmetto bug and nobody wants their state to be associated with a large, scary cockroach.

Stranger still, the number one grower of peaches in the United States turns out to be...California. California can't be bothered defending their peach status, because it is too busy with the California-Florida orange wars. California is "The Golden State" but Florida is "The Sunshine State." While sunshine is very enticing to the people living in colder states, I personally think that California should just go ahead and declare themselves "The Bimbo State." Now that's a tourist attraction!

White Deer R.I.P.

The time has come to let the unluckiest deer in the world go to her eternal reward; White Deer, rest in peace.

For those of you who are unfortunate enough not to live in Garner, North Carolina, I must relate the tragic tale of White Deer. Her first appearance strangely enough coincided with my own move to Garner, although I make no claims to a relationship. Five years ago, sightings of a white deer wandering around Lake Benson Park began to be reported. The small town was abuzz with excitement-- golly, an albino creature of our very own. The town aldermen riding a tidal wave of good feeling decided to name a new park after her. Tragically, although her real name was "Sally" (She Walks in Beauty Like Vanilla Ice Cream) she was known about town as just plain "White Deer," so that is what the new park was named. Even more tragically, three days later she was killed in a fateful rendezvous with a pick-up truck.

But help arrived in the form of a kindly old taxidermist. White Deer was stuffed and then put on display first at the old Garner High School auditorium (scene of many a bad play put on by the Garner Town Players) and then at the North Carolina Museum of Natural Sciences and there she might have comfortably lived out the remainder of her new life as a stuffed animal. But fate had other plans for our darling.

Her next move was to a storage room at the publics works department. At this time the Garner city council was hotly debating what to do with her. It is not every day that God gives a stuffed, albino doe to a small town. Obviously something special should be done for White Deer-- although hopefully nothing too expensive. After much agonizing and dire predictions (more on that in a moment) it was decided White Deer should have her own wee climate-controlled house built and a monthly allowance of $50.00 set aside in the city budget (presumably to pay for the electric bill rather than for candy and magazines.) Oddly enough the choice was made to build "Storytelling House" not in the eponymous White Deer park, but at Lake Benson, scene of her younger, non-stuffed days.

A cute little structure was built and last Sunday White Deer was moved into her new home. But alas! A mere five days later someone broke into Storytelling House, pulled White Deer out and set fire to her. One alderman was quoted as saying, "I said two years ago, and I said right up to the dedication, I thought something bad would happen. The deer was set up. It was an accident waiting to happen."

A $1000.00 reward has been offered for information leading to the arrest of the vandals and there is talk of restoration, but I believe it is time to let White Deer go. She was too good for this world.

Official Title: Official Title

Apparently legislators in North Carolina have a lot of time on their hands because we have more state symbols than you can shake a stick at. Just like other states we have an Official State Tree (the Pine) and an Official State Wild Flower (the Carolina Lily) but we also have an Official State International Festival (Folkmoot USA). Sure, just like other states we have an Official Fruit (the Scuppernong grape) but we also have an Official Blue Berry (the Blueberry) as well as an Official Red Berry (the Strawberry). Imagine the chagrin of the raspberry growers.

Recently, efforts to name a state cat and a state carnivorous plant did not go well, but I have no doubt at all that soon we will have an Official State Poultry (the chicken), an Official State Gender (male), and an Official State Shoe (the left).

So since I have too much time on my hands today-- it is raining outside--I decided to run this idea into the ground. Here then is my Official List of Official Laura Jane Symbols:

Official Dog: Fanny

Official Cat: Mick

Official Husband: Dave

Official Daughter: Gwen

Official Pillow: "Lumpy"

Official Movie That Scared The Bejebus Out of Me as a Child: The Crawling Eye

Official Furniture Most in Need of Replacement: the couch inherited from my husband's grandparents and eaten by Fanny, the bulldog

Official Electronic I Recently Discovered and Now Cannot Live Without: TiVo

Official Best Reason For Having a TiVo: So I can rewind the almost indecipherable dialog in "Deadwood."

Official Activity Between 4pm and 5pm: the nap

Official Activity Most Looked Forward To By a Dog: Popcorn Night

Official Most Worthless Activity: Giving Fanny taste tests such as bacon vs. cheese or steak vs. baked potato

Official Pirate Beverage Most Likely to be Consumed Before Conducting Taste Tests: Rum

Official OTC Medicine Most Needed in This House: "Curtail" for doggie gas

Official Insect Most Likely to Disappear Once I am Named Queen of the Universe: the mosquito

Official Reason Why I Have Not Been Named Queen of the Universe Yet: Those bad marks on my permanent record from Elementary school, specifically that note from my kindergarten teacher about the playdough and a boy named Billy

Official Favorite Enigmatic Description From "The Contender": "He's no can of tomatoes."

Official Activity Least Likely to Occur in My Lifetime: Patching up the squirrel-catching holes in the laundry room ceiling.

Official Most Irritating Activity by an Animal Known to Me Personally: Mick's insane desire to rub his head on everything including the book I am trying to read and the cheese I am trying to eat

Official Favorite Gilligan's Island Episode: The one guest starring The Harlem Globetrotters

Official Favorite Shakespearean Play: The one guest starring The Harlem Globetrotters

Et Tu, Meadowlark?

Fanny's Healing Butt

because we could all use a little healing

Almost two weeks since the election and we are all still reeling and writhing in pain. Some of the citizens living in a bright blue spot in the red state of North Carolina, are having such a hard time with their loss that restaurants in Durham are reporting a run on comfort food and group therapy is becoming de rigueur.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the nation, a tiny red dot in the vast blue state of California-- my mother--is receiving hate email accusing her of being one of those crazy evangelical Christians who re-elected The Bad Man. My mother can hardly be called an "evangelic" since she doesn't even believe in the immaculate conception-- she thinks Joseph and Mary were probably fooling around before marriage. But since she voted for Bush and she attends a church, she must be one of those nasty, power-crazed, Apocalypse-anticipating nuts who are just waiting for Jeezus to come down and start ripping the arms and legs off non-believers. My mom thinks the Apocalypse is just a dream, and the story of Adam & Eve is just a story, and by the way, she voted for Bush because she is scared of the Terrorists.

So the whole country is hurting and I have a suggestion.

My bulldog, Fanny, apparently thinks her butt has the Power To Heal, and she very generously applies it to all who might be in pain. She does this by backing up slowly and then gently sitting down on your foot, or your stomach, or whatever she senses needs some glorious Healing Power. This used to include the head of our Basset Hound, Otis, but he recently passed away, and she seldom gets a chance to sit on Mick, the cat. He, after all, got an A Plus on his last visit to the vet and rightly considers himself in tip top shape.

So here is my solution to our nation's distress: All of us-- all the blues, all the reds, and all the purples-- bunch in really close and let Fanny sit on our heads. And maybe at last we can begin to heal as a nation; America the Whole once more.

It's no more crazy an idea than that the pro-Bushies and the anti-Bushites will ever be able to have a Coke and sing in harmony.