Official State Hellbender

The naming of Official State Thingys is not for wimps; only the most steely-jawed, resolute politicos can stand up to the protests and outrage that come when naming-- taking a purely made-up example-- Flamingo Pink as The Official State Color of Arkansas. "But what about Burnt Sienna?" plead the Italian lovers. "Too girly!" yell the NASCAR Dads. "People will confuse us with Florida," is the outraged cry of Citizens Who Love Arkansas. And so on.

Therefore it should come as no surprise that the NC House of Representatives, caving into the momentary whims of tiny schoolchildren by naming the American bullfrog as The Official State Amphibian, was rebuked by the state Herpetological Society. "Too common!" the herps cried, and in fact, Missouri, Iowa, and Oklahoma have already claimed the American Bullfrog as their own. "Too fat and warty." Ok, maybe they didn't say that exactly but they implied it when a spokesperson told the Raleigh N & O: "It is a big frog, grows rapidly, is highly vocal, doesn't live long and eats anything they can stuff in their mouth." Gosh, yes, we don't want a big, loud, fat amphibian as common as dirt to represent the proud state of North Carolina. No, no what we want is an elegant amphibian; a thin amphibian who wears Prada and dates Brad Pitt. Barring that, what we want is an amphibian with a funny name.

Enter the Eastern Hellbender Salamander. The biggest, baddest salamander in North America. A salamander that can kick the asses of all other salamanders, which should appeal to those NASCAR dads.

Or what if we did something really wacky and named as the Official State Amphibian a creature that is only found in our state? I know it sounds crazy especially when you consider our Official State Beverage is milk and our Official State Tree is the Pine, but let's face it-- no other state is going to name the Neuse River Waterdog as their official state amphibian because it is only found here. Waterdog or Bullfrog? The state Senate will be voting on the bill soon. All the world awaits with baited breath.

Oh and if you didn't already know, the Official State Color of North Carolina is: Red and Blue, I guess white goes without saying.

Watermelon, Broccoli, What's The Difference?

Official State Thingys are a minor-- very minor--passion of mine. I figure if the state legislators can go to all the trouble of naming an Official State Blue Fruit for North Carolina (the blueberry), the least I can do is try to pretend I care. So with that in mind, I take note that here in North Carolina the house just passed a bill to declare the American bullfrog as The Official State Amphibian and another to declare The Lexington Food Festival as The Official State Food Festival. I'm not sure what kind of food is being celebrated, but I can guess it isn't celery. Probably not frog legs, either.

And speaking of vegetables, in Oklahoma there was a move to recognize The Watermelon as the Offical State Fruit, but unfortunately that title had already been claimed by the more glamorous Strawberry. It's true, Strawberries do have more fun. Oklahoma legislator, Joe Dorman, was only slightly fazed; he went on to declare The Watermelon as The Official State Vegetable. The reasoning is that, "watermelon comes from the cucumber and gourd families, which are classified as vegetables." Okey-dokey then. This reminds me of when the Reagan Administration declared Ketchup as a vegetable for the school lunch program. I guess politicians don't care for vegetables very much.

Official Title: Official Title

Apparently legislators in North Carolina have a lot of time on their hands because we have more state symbols than you can shake a stick at. Just like other states we have an Official State Tree (the Pine) and an Official State Wild Flower (the Carolina Lily) but we also have an Official State International Festival (Folkmoot USA). Sure, just like other states we have an Official Fruit (the Scuppernong grape) but we also have an Official Blue Berry (the Blueberry) as well as an Official Red Berry (the Strawberry). Imagine the chagrin of the raspberry growers.

Recently, efforts to name a state cat and a state carnivorous plant did not go well, but I have no doubt at all that soon we will have an Official State Poultry (the chicken), an Official State Gender (male), and an Official State Shoe (the left).

So since I have too much time on my hands today-- it is raining outside--I decided to run this idea into the ground. Here then is my Official List of Official Laura Jane Symbols:

Official Dog: Fanny

Official Cat: Mick

Official Husband: Dave

Official Daughter: Gwen

Official Pillow: "Lumpy"

Official Movie That Scared The Bejebus Out of Me as a Child: The Crawling Eye

Official Furniture Most in Need of Replacement: the couch inherited from my husband's grandparents and eaten by Fanny, the bulldog

Official Electronic I Recently Discovered and Now Cannot Live Without: TiVo

Official Best Reason For Having a TiVo: So I can rewind the almost indecipherable dialog in "Deadwood."

Official Activity Between 4pm and 5pm: the nap

Official Activity Most Looked Forward To By a Dog: Popcorn Night

Official Most Worthless Activity: Giving Fanny taste tests such as bacon vs. cheese or steak vs. baked potato

Official Pirate Beverage Most Likely to be Consumed Before Conducting Taste Tests: Rum

Official OTC Medicine Most Needed in This House: "Curtail" for doggie gas

Official Insect Most Likely to Disappear Once I am Named Queen of the Universe: the mosquito

Official Reason Why I Have Not Been Named Queen of the Universe Yet: Those bad marks on my permanent record from Elementary school, specifically that note from my kindergarten teacher about the playdough and a boy named Billy

Official Favorite Enigmatic Description From "The Contender": "He's no can of tomatoes."

Official Activity Least Likely to Occur in My Lifetime: Patching up the squirrel-catching holes in the laundry room ceiling.

Official Most Irritating Activity by an Animal Known to Me Personally: Mick's insane desire to rub his head on everything including the book I am trying to read and the cheese I am trying to eat

Official Favorite Gilligan's Island Episode: The one guest starring The Harlem Globetrotters

Official Favorite Shakespearean Play: The one guest starring The Harlem Globetrotters

Et Tu, Meadowlark?